What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

Fat vs muscles

When starving you starve fat, muscles and your brain. Eat what you need and listen to your body, what does it want? Great work out and right/ good food is better than starving, because you get binge/ cravings and tons of OCD symptoms when your brain is getting starved and that leads to even wors eating disorders. Check this out:

Think straight

Not quantity but quality

The day before yesterday’s- and yesterday’s climbing went good, I felt (am) stronger since last time.

I want to climb today too, but the weather is a bit unsteady. Anyway, I’m going to the climbing store with the people I live with and they’re buying climbing shoes. That’s so great! I want to climb with all of my friends. 

It’s such a great workout. Try it, not wall climbing, I mean bouldering.

It’s hard but holy fudge what a tight body you get from it.

My tooth is aching, like nothing else.

It’s the one furthest in on the left side.

I’m quite strict on my food, I think of it all the time. But in order to have the energy to climb I need to eat.

Not quantity, but quality. And I’m still… of course… always jonesing for coffee.  

I feel better

Hello 

Don’t bother the “Old post”-post. It’s just for me.

Summer has arrived, feels good. Yesterday sun was at its highest point so now we are moving towards darker times again. 

Last night was a national feast and booze day, but not for us beneath this roof. Good food and good movies and lots of talking. I actually was here last year too, with S and P. (remember I live with my friend P’s parents place).

I've told you that I started to climb again. I’m already super strong and my back and knee problems are history, in just 1 ½ months. And it is so much fun! I’ll be crazy fit I a couple of months.

I don’t have any anxiety while climbing, feel so good. It’s like benzo effect. And I can’t over exercise as I normally do with running or gym because you run out of energy in two hours and your arm muscles are like… not like cooked spaghettis more as they have no strength left what so ever. So you have to climb in intervals. With running you can just keep running for 2 hours without a pause and that’s a trigger for me, cardio, triggers eating disorders and anxiety.

I’ve gained contact with one of my exes again, Martin, It makes me happy. He’s a good guy.

Well, that’s it for now, I'll try my best to blog more often.

Now I’ll go climbing (bouldering)

Update from the living dead.

Hi everyone.

Things has been a bit fucked up lately, I've been fooling myself to destruction.
I'm working at a office as project assistant and I also work for a model agency in Copenhagen, I scout models for them. After the salary has arrived I'll go there for a meeting again and then I'll get my firt business-cards!
I'm still happily engaged to S and we love each other more for every day that passes.

The thing is that, we don't want to live in the city we do live in. We feel like we're stuck!
And I have my issues and illness, and to be honest, I'd rather sit alone in an apartment locked up in Malmö than be here outside with people. That's how much we would like to move.

We have all of our friends down there, and we've tried to make friends up here but it is plane and simple not working out. NO chemestry what so ever.

So... future seems to be unwritten.
and today I fitted a pair of jeans size 25/34... getting skinny again. Don't know if it's for the better or worse.

I'm depressed, I eat to much to die and I eat to less to live.
I'm stuck in a fog, the grey zone... and no one seems to understand me or hear my call for help.
I'm not even partly misunderstood I'm COMPLETELY misunderstood!

I want to go to a rehabcentre. Be locked up, get well. But I don't have the guts!
Who ever I'll be IF I get well, I wont be the same as I am now. Not that I'm something to cheer for today, I'm a mess haha.

I don't have ANY dignity for myself, my live i worthless. And it scares me to feel that way.
And sometimes I feel that the only reason I'm still here is becaus of my family and friends and my beloved S.
I would never ever kill myself, and that's what keeps me from getting the treatment and care I need.
Because, you will get send back home with a hand on your shoulder and the doctor will say;

  "Go home, take a hot shower and put som comfortable clothes on, and you'll it will get better. This is only phase you are gong through"

That's the words I've been hearing, because I'm not suicidal(!!!) Sorry doc, but say that again and I'll be fucking killing susceptible!! Piss off!

For real, I've been sick for more then my half life, it's not a phase... I started to getting the treatment I needed. Then I got scared and started to cancel or not just turn up on appointments.
And I escaped... and got more sick again.

Well here I am, and I'm still alive... so far.
But I'm very very very tierd, and it scares the shit out of me.

chimeras trix

Hey.
It has been a while since I last wrote.
And that´s because Me and S had had a long weekend, with not far from just time for each other. And yesterday I had myself a tattoo. Fucking hurts on the back of your leg, but I made it through, without any mistakes or twitches done.
3 hours it took, but I had a tattoo made by the countries best tattoo artist.

I think about my body allot, but I seem smaller and smaller for every day that passes. But I don't know if I'm actually loosing weight or if I'm just getting used to the reality. You see, scales aren't allowed in this home, well they are, but If I had a scale I would stand up on it everyday. And to think of doing that, hurts even more than the tattoo did.

I've had chats and deeper conversations with people in my surrounding about my e.d.'s and anorexia. It helped, S's mom and S are like my saviors. I'm so grateful for every friends presence and extensive help. If I'm just busy with family and friends or something else I can bare my disease a bit easier. So thank you for that. I'm really fortunate to have those families and friends I can talk to, someones... got no one.
But I'm here for anyone who just wan't to talk about anything!

confession and promise

Good morning!

I'm a lousy eater when I'm home alone. I never eat when I'm alone. That's why I always gets even more sick than regular, when I'm on holiday or living alone or... like now, just home alone. Plain and simple, anorexia takes over when I'm alone and I am like butter in sunshine, I stand no chance against anorexia at that point.
Bad bad bad, but from another angle and perspective I'm proud of myself, no Ana is proud of me. I hate it, I don't want to be sick anymore.
I asked my boyfriend S, if he could say only one, one day I've been healthy without any disease since we met 4½ months ago. His answer were, "I really can't, no I can't". Pathetic!
But some days ago, I made myself and S a promise. I'll never ever be sick again, accept for relapse out of anorexia, because that I cant help. But colds and kidney-inflammations and ulcer and shit. I think I can manage to stay well without them coming back.
Because, how I feel right now is painful. My ulcer hurts 24/7 from the antibiotics and other medicines likewise.

So from today it is official, I'll never ever get sick again, or at least I'll do my best to stay healthy and well! If not for me, it's for S and my friends and family... and our economy, oh my lard! It's expensive to be sick.
And I really need a bike! S got one, but I don't and I would love to go out and bicycle with him, and our dog at some times.

Yesterday I saw a interview on TV, a woman in her 30's who have written a book. She started out with depressions and anorexia in her early teens. She go sent from one clinic to another and got a messy and beyond all limits, shitty treatment. Not until she got old, adult, she got the right diagnose... Borderline.
Her story was so close to mine, like how my story is right now.
She read from her book, and every word was like a million knifes thrown straight into my heart. That's exactly how I feel, I felt.
And her thoughts and words about her boyfriend always supporting her and being there for her. Even if she was mean and sick, he stood strong by her side, always. He did it out of love and gratitude for she being the one who held his pieces and his life together. It's like a beautiful, perfect match. And that is how I feel about S. I really really love him, and I'm so grateful for having him in my life.

Bye for now!

Hospital(ity)

G'day mates!
I've been at the hospital today, to get help for my kidney infection. Wen't well, S was with me, he called in sick.
I fell asleep in his lap in the waiting room, and the nurse woke me up.
I left a blod- and urine-samples, got a ten days cure of antibiotic... and got a finger up my but (!). Why, because I have so much pain in my anal when I'm doing my needs. It' has come from all the laxatives I've been taking through the years with anorexia, and my gluten-allergy. Sometimes there' blood in my number two substance and on the toilet paper.
So on Monday I'll have myself my first rectoscopy as an adult, had it one time when I was a kid... in the beginning of my e.d. When we got home, we had a shower together, me and my boyfriend "S". We always shower together, (qualitytime aye!)

Anyhow, I went straight to bed, fell asleep while we watched "brothers" [Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, Bailee Madison] quite already-made-kind war-"hero" story, but great acting. Especially Bailee Madison, and not just in this movie, ever seen "just go with it"? the little brunette girl? Well that's little Mrs Madison. 


Then I gave birth to the antichrist, well that's what it felt like. My left kidney and my bladder, my whole urine/bladder-system induced a horrible pain that woke me up. Holy fudge!! I cried and screamed out loud in pain, S took care of me and then his mom came over with some aspirin-thingy-thing. after she consulted with a friend (a nurse). Now I'm drinking tea and S is gaming Fallout: new vegas.
And I've had myself some calm down pills, so that maybe, just maybe, I can sleep trough the night without waking up in pain. And if I'm not better tomorrow, I'm told very distinct to go the hospital again and get more help.

Hope you readers are all good? Goodnight lovebirds

Confession

Life sucks.
I need more help, anorexia is wonderfull yet so awfull... terribly frightening.
I hate my life today, and I had bad thoughts earlier, anxiety from the moment I opened my eyes.
And when I was sleeping, I had a dream. I hugged a little boy (the boy in the film 'The stoning of Soraya M')
And I said, I'll miss you so much and I cryed, big... enormous tears rolled down from my eyes, they didn't stop. The just kept on tearing and I cryed my heart out... then I woke up.

At that point I realized that I've lost the battle, the battle I strictly ordered myself to not take against anorexia.
I will from now on never ever trust myself. I'm danger and pain towards everyone, me and you.

I I had some guts I'd probably kill myself, but I wont. Not today or tomorrow, but in the long run and from a different angle... I've been dead since long time, inside. Inside there's nothing left of me apart from a feeling small as a grain of sand, asking for help.

I want to craw under a blanchet, put on a movie... fall asleep and wake up on a golden field of seeds and flowers... a place where there's no more problems. A place called heaven.

Before I got fucked

Christ!

Like teasing, lovegame. I got fucked by anorexia before I got kissed today. Tomorrow we'll kiss, only. No one is getting fucked, mor than Lard.
I feel it, stupid me eating all that fucking food earlier! Baloon-belly. And I'll vry if the scale shows 57 or more tomorrow, so that's why I'm thinking of maybe not weight myself tomorrow. AH I¨m so stupid. I'm always thinking; "it's better if I eat ALL the food now, so there's no more to eat later" because we all know that if there's no food to eat, you simply don't eat.I feel fat, I have my period (!!!) so disgusting, what the fuck... I'm fat enought to carry a baby, and go through a healthy pregnancy...uhhhhg.

Nope, no more period, I'll skip it next month (by being thin enough to not have my period). I h a t e  fat, I really hate it. On myself, on others I don't care. I envy people who are normal or fat and are ok with it. But just the thought of being normal freaks me out.

Pills kickin in, my eyeslids shutting my eyes in shorter and shorter frequences.

Good night my lovers and mistresses. You and me again, tomorrow, to continue this dirty little huggermugger at bones forever. I feel like Hannah Montana with this schitzo-life.

Praise the Lard

Praise the lard, it's leaving and may it forever rest in peace!

Isn’t it a wonderful morning folks? In my eyes I am a bomb of fat at 65 kilos and ready to explode, but the scale showed me the truth today, because the scale never lie.

56.8, (bmi 18.29) is today’s weight, I thought it was broken when it showed the numbers. Because the last week I was a mess and I was bingeing and craving and I weighed 57, at the time it started.

I wasn’t supposed to weigh myself today, but I did. I wanted some motivation for today. But if the scale had showed higher numbers. Well I would have run my ass of and tried to be sad to 100% but just being able to have that awful feeling inside (anxiety). But instead I had the motivation to be happy, no not happy, but positive to the future and the day. Crea Diem, aye!

Work at 5.30 p.m. today.

purging

I was so close, last time was in India.
I'm purging in the form of laxatives, yes. But I was so close to vomit...

Well, it sure was a surprise. But I didn't do it.
And I feel empty in my stomach but packed in my intestines, so I had 2 laxative pills.
Problem easy done gone.

Good night readers, you've been faithfull today too.

Food diary

Almonds 132 kcal
Banana 114.13 kcal
Raspberries 11,44 kcal
Coffee (black) 4 kcal
Mate tea, green 0 kcal
Banana 101 kcal
Raspberries 11.44 kcal

Total in: 374,01 kcal
Total out: 1500 kcal

Total in/ out: - 1125,99 kcal

(I'm done with eating today.
At rest you burn 1500 kcal/ day, so that's what I'm counting on.)



[NOTICE!]

-About 12 minutes of walking (4m/h) burns in kcal 1 medium banana

-Nutrition and Calories in raspberries /100g:
Water 85.75
Calorie content of food (kcals/ 100g) 52
Proteins 1.2
Fat (lipids) 0.65
Ash 0.46
Carbohydrates 11.94
Dietary fiber 6.5
Sugar 4.42

Anorexia Check-list

My anorexia check-list

•    Headaches - check!
•    Dizziness - check!
•    Dehydration - check!
•    Muscle weakness - check!
•    Potassium deficiency - check!
•    Electrolyte imbalance - maybe (?), my heart "stoped" once and a friend started it again (hitted my chest), as I was asleep.
•    Kidney damage - check!
•    Cardiac arrhythmia - check!
•    Heart palpitations - check!
•    Fluid retention - check!
•    Nausea - check!
•    Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeat - check!
•    Edema -check!
•    Vitamin and mineral deficiencies - check!
•    Gastrointestinal problems - check!
•    Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation - check!
•    Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus - Don't think so, but I do have a ulcer.
•    Tears in the lining of the stomach - I have no idea, didn't even know it existed.
•    Chronic kidney problems/failure - check!
•    Tooth decay - Nope! My dentist says "imagine if everyone had teeth like you" I answer "...then you wouldn't have a job?"
•    Death - Alive but not living... You can't call what's 'check!:ed'  above 'living'?

All the different kind of eating disorders

A misinterpretation I continually bump into is that Normals are naming eating disorders as anorexia and bulimia, as there's only two kinds of them. You puke or you starve - black and white... But what about the greyzone? In the following post I'll name and discribe some different kinds of other eating disorders than Bulimia and Anorexia.

• Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by self-induced starvation and excessive weight loss. “Research tells us that Anorexia is a brain disease with severe metabolic effects on the entire body.” While Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents, eating disorders do not discriminate between age, gender, race or class: no one is immune.

• Bulimia Nervosa is a serious eating disorder that is characterized by bingeing and purging. Symptoms include: repeated episodes of bingeing and purging; eating beyond the point of fullness and feeling out of control during a binge; purging after a binge; frequent dieting; and extreme concern with body weight and shape

• BED Binge Eating Disorder is characterized by frequent episodes of bingeing (eating large quantities of food in a short amount of time) without the purging behavior of Bulimia. According to the Binge Eating Disorders Association, Binge Eating Disorder is a complex disorder with many symptoms, associated complications, causes and risk factors. Risk factors that could potentially result in the development of Binge Eating Disorder include genetic predisposition, dieting, psychological issues and sociocultural issues

• EDNOS Eating disorder not otherwise specified Over the past few years, clinicians have realized that many people may have variations of disordered eating, yet, they cannot meet full diagnostic criteria for Anorexia and/or Bulimia. It is actually estimated that most people will never fit full criteria. Individuals that meet several of the necessary criteria, but not all specific to either Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa, will be diagnosed with Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified. Failure to meet specific criteria for an eating disorder DOES NOT mean that the individual does not have an important and grave disorder.

• Orthorexia is an eating disorder, coined in 1997 by Steven Bratman, MD, that is defined as an obsession with "healthy or righteous eating." It often begins with someone's simple and genuine desire to live a healthy lifestyle.
  An individual dealing with Orthorexia fixates on defining the "right" foods, foods that can be safely eaten.
  They will spend just as much time and energy thinking about food as someone with Bulimia or Anorexia. They may not think about calories, but they think about the overall "health benefits" and how the food was processed, prepared, etc.  Individuals with Orthorexia tend not to eat out as much because they do not trust the preparation of foods other than what they have prepared.
  
  The obsession for healthy foods could come from a number of sources such as family habits, society trends, economic problems, recent illness, or even just hearing something negative about a food type or group, which then leads them to ultimately eliminate the food or foods from their diet.
  Something to keep in mind: The severe restrictive nature of Orthorexia has the potential to morph into Anorexia.

• Bigorexia is a disorder in which a person constantly obsesses and/or worries about being too small, underdeveloped, and/or underweight. Typically those that have Bigorexia are not frail or underdeveloped at all.  They actually have large muscle mass and will obsess about having the perfect physique.  They will believe their muscles are inadequate. Bigorexia has also been known as muscle dysmorphia, Reverse Anorexia, or Adonis Complex.
  This disorder is a form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and is related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Those with Bigorexia constantly obsess over their imperfections, further distorting their perception of themselves.  This will significantly impair the person's mood often causing depression or feelings of disgust.
  Those dealing with Bigorexia will feel inadequacies affecting many areas of their lives, ranging from personal relationships to physical and emotional health.

• NES Night eating syndrome is an eating disorder diagnosis that primarily characterizes an ongoing, persistent pattern of late-night binge eating. The individual may not be aware at the time of what they are doing when they are eating. 
  NES was originally described by Dr Albert Stunkard in 1955.  NES affects between 1 and 2% of the population.  6% of people seeking treatment for obesity have NES and 28% of those seeking gastric bypass surgery suffer from NES.
  Although it can affect all ages and both sexes, it is more common in young women.  Unlike binge eating, which is done in relatively short episodes, NES involves continual eating throughout the evening. 

• Pica is a disorder where an individual has a strong, persistent desire to eat, lick, or chew nonnutritive substances for a period of at least 1 month. The name Pica comes from the Latin word for "magpie," which is a bird that's known for eating anything and everything.
  Although the cravings associated with Pica may be related to vitamin or mineral deficiencies, ingesting non-foods can cause serious medical complications such as intestinal obstruction, intestinal perforation, infections, or lead poisoning.
  
  

Bikini kills and revives

I hated it, I brought a new bikini… but I did it.

And I went to the beach with mom, a 1 hour walk in a bikini in front of everyone else. I felt like a Greenpeace case, but I’m not… but I am at the same time.

We live on the west coast and here it’s all about looking good and being rich. Hate it, stupid mother fuckers. So I just simply refuse to adapt to this, and keep my soles on the ground.

But it made me realize, that no perfect body is free… you don’t necessary have to offer or give up something to get it, but you need to work for it. Because I’ve also realized that skinny is so yesterday and healthy is today… So being strong, slim and slender is the new skinny. But not too strong, just on the edge from fit to strong… because then you have the muscles and health who allows you to have the power to live a life and the power of the mind that it’s okay to eat small amounts of food, rather than nothing.

So the moral of this post is, I guess… ‘Fit is the new Skinny’ and a la anorexia, we know it’s very skinny but fit = no fat and small muscles. That will probably keep “normals” away from asking, do you have anorexia, are you sick etc. etc. and instead asking wow, you’re fit. What kind of work out do you do?

Am I right or am I just a pink elephant up in the clouds?

D day

Okay, today is the day according to yesterday.

I have this awful headache, like a really bad thunderstorm taking place inside my head.

I’m in my dad’s bed right now, with mom on my left side. It probably will start to rain pretty soon and the air is thick and it smells… rain and thunder.

My dad, I love him so much. I think this illness and being home from work is really getting to him. And me, I think I’m the main character in this very un-fairy tale.  Yesterday he lied about not drinking and being in the garage, but mom did see him through the window. She asked him, what did you do in the garage? ‘I haven’t been in the garage!’ was the answer… (I took a deep breath and closed my eyes).

This is way too personal to post, but I want to do it. Is this a common problem in every family?

I will simply ask my dad today, why in the hell he’s doing it. And why he feels that he can’t talk to us at home?  When I’m almost forced to talk about my problems 3 or 4 times every week…

Well, yepps… today is the day according to yesterday…

As far as this day has been alive I’ve been eating 6 almonds, and a 3^rd of a cup of raspberries. And I’m going to drink my coffee any sec…

Bye for now readers!

...

...
fuck.