Update from the living dead.

Hi everyone.

Things has been a bit fucked up lately, I've been fooling myself to destruction.
I'm working at a office as project assistant and I also work for a model agency in Copenhagen, I scout models for them. After the salary has arrived I'll go there for a meeting again and then I'll get my firt business-cards!
I'm still happily engaged to S and we love each other more for every day that passes.

The thing is that, we don't want to live in the city we do live in. We feel like we're stuck!
And I have my issues and illness, and to be honest, I'd rather sit alone in an apartment locked up in Malmö than be here outside with people. That's how much we would like to move.

We have all of our friends down there, and we've tried to make friends up here but it is plane and simple not working out. NO chemestry what so ever.

So... future seems to be unwritten.
and today I fitted a pair of jeans size 25/34... getting skinny again. Don't know if it's for the better or worse.

I'm depressed, I eat to much to die and I eat to less to live.
I'm stuck in a fog, the grey zone... and no one seems to understand me or hear my call for help.
I'm not even partly misunderstood I'm COMPLETELY misunderstood!

I want to go to a rehabcentre. Be locked up, get well. But I don't have the guts!
Who ever I'll be IF I get well, I wont be the same as I am now. Not that I'm something to cheer for today, I'm a mess haha.

I don't have ANY dignity for myself, my live i worthless. And it scares me to feel that way.
And sometimes I feel that the only reason I'm still here is becaus of my family and friends and my beloved S.
I would never ever kill myself, and that's what keeps me from getting the treatment and care I need.
Because, you will get send back home with a hand on your shoulder and the doctor will say;

  "Go home, take a hot shower and put som comfortable clothes on, and you'll it will get better. This is only phase you are gong through"

That's the words I've been hearing, because I'm not suicidal(!!!) Sorry doc, but say that again and I'll be fucking killing susceptible!! Piss off!

For real, I've been sick for more then my half life, it's not a phase... I started to getting the treatment I needed. Then I got scared and started to cancel or not just turn up on appointments.
And I escaped... and got more sick again.

Well here I am, and I'm still alive... so far.
But I'm very very very tierd, and it scares the shit out of me.

confession and promise

Good morning!

I'm a lousy eater when I'm home alone. I never eat when I'm alone. That's why I always gets even more sick than regular, when I'm on holiday or living alone or... like now, just home alone. Plain and simple, anorexia takes over when I'm alone and I am like butter in sunshine, I stand no chance against anorexia at that point.
Bad bad bad, but from another angle and perspective I'm proud of myself, no Ana is proud of me. I hate it, I don't want to be sick anymore.
I asked my boyfriend S, if he could say only one, one day I've been healthy without any disease since we met 4½ months ago. His answer were, "I really can't, no I can't". Pathetic!
But some days ago, I made myself and S a promise. I'll never ever be sick again, accept for relapse out of anorexia, because that I cant help. But colds and kidney-inflammations and ulcer and shit. I think I can manage to stay well without them coming back.
Because, how I feel right now is painful. My ulcer hurts 24/7 from the antibiotics and other medicines likewise.

So from today it is official, I'll never ever get sick again, or at least I'll do my best to stay healthy and well! If not for me, it's for S and my friends and family... and our economy, oh my lard! It's expensive to be sick.
And I really need a bike! S got one, but I don't and I would love to go out and bicycle with him, and our dog at some times.

Yesterday I saw a interview on TV, a woman in her 30's who have written a book. She started out with depressions and anorexia in her early teens. She go sent from one clinic to another and got a messy and beyond all limits, shitty treatment. Not until she got old, adult, she got the right diagnose... Borderline.
Her story was so close to mine, like how my story is right now.
She read from her book, and every word was like a million knifes thrown straight into my heart. That's exactly how I feel, I felt.
And her thoughts and words about her boyfriend always supporting her and being there for her. Even if she was mean and sick, he stood strong by her side, always. He did it out of love and gratitude for she being the one who held his pieces and his life together. It's like a beautiful, perfect match. And that is how I feel about S. I really really love him, and I'm so grateful for having him in my life.

Bye for now!

I'm sorry

Hey guys.
Feel like shit, like a postorder my period came back today? and my mom said "you look normal, not too skinny" ... I'm a mess.
And I feel very disapointed in myself and the fact that I haven't delivered any info or anything else for that matter.... I've been off-work this last week and I have ache from head to toe.
Tomorrow aye, tomorrow this will be better. I feel that today was one step close to recatch that grip I lost recently.

Mom and me were just sitting in the sofa and giggleing, she had some wine and I just listened to her voice saying all those smart things, I love my mom. And I hope one day I will have that kind of knowlegde and motivation.

But for now all I have is fat, medz and a sad mind.