Update from the living dead.

Hi everyone.

Things has been a bit fucked up lately, I've been fooling myself to destruction.
I'm working at a office as project assistant and I also work for a model agency in Copenhagen, I scout models for them. After the salary has arrived I'll go there for a meeting again and then I'll get my firt business-cards!
I'm still happily engaged to S and we love each other more for every day that passes.

The thing is that, we don't want to live in the city we do live in. We feel like we're stuck!
And I have my issues and illness, and to be honest, I'd rather sit alone in an apartment locked up in Malmö than be here outside with people. That's how much we would like to move.

We have all of our friends down there, and we've tried to make friends up here but it is plane and simple not working out. NO chemestry what so ever.

So... future seems to be unwritten.
and today I fitted a pair of jeans size 25/34... getting skinny again. Don't know if it's for the better or worse.

I'm depressed, I eat to much to die and I eat to less to live.
I'm stuck in a fog, the grey zone... and no one seems to understand me or hear my call for help.
I'm not even partly misunderstood I'm COMPLETELY misunderstood!

I want to go to a rehabcentre. Be locked up, get well. But I don't have the guts!
Who ever I'll be IF I get well, I wont be the same as I am now. Not that I'm something to cheer for today, I'm a mess haha.

I don't have ANY dignity for myself, my live i worthless. And it scares me to feel that way.
And sometimes I feel that the only reason I'm still here is becaus of my family and friends and my beloved S.
I would never ever kill myself, and that's what keeps me from getting the treatment and care I need.
Because, you will get send back home with a hand on your shoulder and the doctor will say;

  "Go home, take a hot shower and put som comfortable clothes on, and you'll it will get better. This is only phase you are gong through"

That's the words I've been hearing, because I'm not suicidal(!!!) Sorry doc, but say that again and I'll be fucking killing susceptible!! Piss off!

For real, I've been sick for more then my half life, it's not a phase... I started to getting the treatment I needed. Then I got scared and started to cancel or not just turn up on appointments.
And I escaped... and got more sick again.

Well here I am, and I'm still alive... so far.
But I'm very very very tierd, and it scares the shit out of me.