Back to what I am: A fuck up

We have not gone shooting yet, but I did get motion sickness earlier than expected … on a swing on a children’s playground. Me and S were out walking the dog. Passed a playground and had to try it, can’t remember last time I was doing this. And I really enjoyed it, until I got sick.

I really needed it because yesterday, she came back… Ana… fucked me real hard. Relapse is a fact having Borderline. I fucked it up, again.

I cried myself to sleep, got mad at our dog, angry with myself. Every muscle hurts today out of tensions, so much anxiety and anxiety still hurts in its own way.

Yesterday I wished I had benzo and a ball blanket. Thoughts of hurting myself, dying, starving, self-hate, self-disgrace. I feel terrible.

In situations like this, no one understands. And I’m cut off from reality. I’m quiet, introverted and withdrawn and inside of me… chaos.

I hate myself… I wish today never existed. Please fast forward. 

What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

Update from the living dead.

Hi everyone.

Things has been a bit fucked up lately, I've been fooling myself to destruction.
I'm working at a office as project assistant and I also work for a model agency in Copenhagen, I scout models for them. After the salary has arrived I'll go there for a meeting again and then I'll get my firt business-cards!
I'm still happily engaged to S and we love each other more for every day that passes.

The thing is that, we don't want to live in the city we do live in. We feel like we're stuck!
And I have my issues and illness, and to be honest, I'd rather sit alone in an apartment locked up in Malmö than be here outside with people. That's how much we would like to move.

We have all of our friends down there, and we've tried to make friends up here but it is plane and simple not working out. NO chemestry what so ever.

So... future seems to be unwritten.
and today I fitted a pair of jeans size 25/34... getting skinny again. Don't know if it's for the better or worse.

I'm depressed, I eat to much to die and I eat to less to live.
I'm stuck in a fog, the grey zone... and no one seems to understand me or hear my call for help.
I'm not even partly misunderstood I'm COMPLETELY misunderstood!

I want to go to a rehabcentre. Be locked up, get well. But I don't have the guts!
Who ever I'll be IF I get well, I wont be the same as I am now. Not that I'm something to cheer for today, I'm a mess haha.

I don't have ANY dignity for myself, my live i worthless. And it scares me to feel that way.
And sometimes I feel that the only reason I'm still here is becaus of my family and friends and my beloved S.
I would never ever kill myself, and that's what keeps me from getting the treatment and care I need.
Because, you will get send back home with a hand on your shoulder and the doctor will say;

  "Go home, take a hot shower and put som comfortable clothes on, and you'll it will get better. This is only phase you are gong through"

That's the words I've been hearing, because I'm not suicidal(!!!) Sorry doc, but say that again and I'll be fucking killing susceptible!! Piss off!

For real, I've been sick for more then my half life, it's not a phase... I started to getting the treatment I needed. Then I got scared and started to cancel or not just turn up on appointments.
And I escaped... and got more sick again.

Well here I am, and I'm still alive... so far.
But I'm very very very tierd, and it scares the shit out of me.

starving and laxatives makes you fat

Haven't been eating today, walked a long walk with our dog, brought myself a banana... it is still in my backpack. Yesterday I started with those laxatives from the hospital, holy shit(!) literally speaking. This empty I've never been before. Feels good, it's quite dangerous for me to take laxatives, because it is a form of purging. And purging leads to starving, which leads to... feeling bad about myself and then anorexia takes over again, already have I'll tell you.
Everytime I start to exercise (just even takes a walk) I start to starve myself. IT'S BAD! Starving only makes you bigger and more hungry for food, or sweets for that matter. So I really try to eat something or at least drink something every day. Like a glass of unsweetened oatmilk, tea or maybe boil some vegetable or mushroom-broth... broth tastes like food, but isn't food and it's warm and you get a tiny bit of kcal's which will keep your metabolism going.

S will be home in an hour, I'll try to clean our place and then... I'll tell him about my thoughts and my behavior, so that he can have an eye on me, or two might be necessary. Then we'll go to the hospital for the rectocopy!
I'll write later, tonight maybe. When I'm back and relaxed after the... rectoscopy.

C'mon!

For real, life is pissin on me. I'm starting to feel bad again.
I'm not hungry, but I'm tierd and low in bloodsugar.
Fuck it, feels like only reason I'm still here is because I'm to afraid of hurting
my family and friends and... because I'm to much of a coward to not be here.
And you readers, not judging me... or are you? I don't know anything, and I don't know why you read my blog?

In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0
tomato 20

Out:
Autoburn 1500
Job/ Work 1697

Total:  - 3079 kcal

wheight loss?

Morning

[notice]Work 1a.m.-8p.m. som I'll give you a better post in the evening, after work.

Woke up at 9, running around the house. Chatting with mom and dad about everything.
I stod up on the scale this morning, no change still 57 kg.
But that's okey, because last time I wheighed myself I had have laxatives and super starvation. This time, non of it.

No I've just had something to eat so I'm able to work without fainting or something like that. I'll work for 7h today, on the floor.

-So far:
In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0

Out:

Total:

I crashed at bash

Hey peepz!

theese last two days has been busy. Yesterday I was at my cousins place, she was throwing a party. So much people came, it was so much fun.
But, so much focus on food that I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus. And that resulted in me going to bed at 1 p.m. There was about 50 persons running around outside the door (her house is hughe) but I had a 1.20m -bed for myself and the pill made be crash even if it was bash outside.

Woke up at 10 a.m. started to clean the house and garden. Drove home to my place, changed clothes and headed of to work. And.... now I'm home.

Yesterday I had loads of strawberries (like 2L) and I had lettuce and potato-pie about 150g, max. (potato, ginger, dill, chives, tomato, cucumber. pressed together and grilled in the oven). And, well so much food... as I said 'I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus'. And You do the math, because I won't.

Today, I've had;

In:
Porrige 65
Lettuce 40
Coffee 0
=105 kcal

Out:
Autoburn: 1500
Exercice/ work: 1474
=2974 kcal

Total: -2869 kcal

At rest burns about 1500 kcal / day... more info

My work - model. Through agencies I get booked, for what ever the clients want. (I don't do fur or Gaga meat-dress-ish). And I have a second job too, waitress... and that's where I've been now this evening.

Holy virgin mother Mary and her son jesus christ and everyone else! Overbooked, full house! Running around for 5½ h, the sweat was dripping from my forehead, (for real). But I made it, and that's a work out according to me... (if you don't belive me... try it out and you'll change your mind) My whole body aches, like I've been at a full bodypump session.

I still haven't had any food more than the tomato and apple. So I'll do a quick calc. of in/out kcal/ today.
And today I'll acctually star adding normal/ by it self- kcal burn, which is [NOTICE!]: An adult at rest burns about 1500 kcal / day, normal activities, usually about 2000-3000 kcal / day. And witch (kcal) food I rounding up and rounding down with (kcal) training. So I'll take the lowest (1500) even if I've been out earlier today, and I'll also add work tonight, which I counter up to -1546.


In: 72
Out: 3046

Total: -2974 kcal.

I feel good when I starve, it's not only about my head wants me to be thin. It's like a reward to feel emptiness. It's a self injury and it's opposit at the same time, I don't feel bad, thats one thing for sure. Let me starve and I'll give you a smile.

Bye for now readers, you make my day!

This is bad, really bad

I'm lying in my mom and dads bed, mom is to my left and dad is soon to be on my right side.
We've had a "talk" today...

 In the morning dad is taking me to the hospital for some stronger medication and on monday we will go to the anorexia clinic to see my persoal doctor. And find new ways because this isn't working, it's not sustainable.

The "talk"- Well, we went to a restaurant, I had fried vegetables and lettuce. On our way home we were walking down at the beachside.
I felt like I was a danger to myself and others- I wanted to break something, cry, scream... anything I couldn't handle it anymore I couldn't handle myself anymore... I asked for to walk alone. I needed to be for myself for a while. When I finally were left alone I screamed my lungs ou, and cried my eyes out. punshing the sand, twisting my fingers and hands in frustration and panic, What! Why? Who am I? What the fuck is happening, I'm hallucinatig! I see stuff, Am I turning schitzo? I'm sick I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to take care of me. Is this what I wished for 12 years ago? When me and Emma compared our wheights on that scale outside the lunch/ cafeteria? (idiots, a scale outside the foodcourt where 10 year olds eat? what the hell were they thinking?) Is this what I wished for when I only had lettuce for lunch for one year? when I woke up at 6 and started to walk/run and do gymnastics for hours? ... I fell down on my knees.. the ground was cold, wet and soft,  I love the forrest... I layed down, I couldn't breath, I was shaking out of my panic attack. But I found enough strength to get on my feets and go home... and then mom and dad looked at me and said.. "okey, let's have a talk" ...

Dad said, "Tomorrow I'll take you to the PhD, we'll get through this. But why didn't you listen to me and mom when we told you to be carefull, you have been playing with fire and now the fire is to big to control, but we'll get trough this love, we will"

I told my patents that I've or my mind have been sliding in on sucide and self-injury kind of thoughts. And that I soon enough won't see any point with staying here anymore. I hit myself in my face today, 4 times, with my fist, as hard as I could... it still hurts. And I had a 10 minutes long ice-shower. Nothing helped today, I'm worse than ever. I need medicine, I need help... Help that wont lead to me loosing grip of anorexia, because I need to control "it"/ "her". I need to live a life, not fight and win a war... life's to short to spend on stupid shit like battle anorexia, I might as well lve with it... and then die with it.

I'm so sorry...
I feel sorry for every person who is around me, but I'll never feel sorry for myself.
I'm the biggest jerk ever, so stupid, so wierd... fucking retard.
Hmm... the sweet and beautiful smalltown girl, girl next door, who became a model aned up as a psycho... WHAT A CLICHÉ! Pff... fuck it, I'm out.

I'll update you asap after my appointmentz.

Selfportrait with issue-areas

First of all, I'm not this big. But this is what I see when i look in the mirror or just looking at my body.
I hate it, h a t e  i t !  All the red circles are areas I'd like to change, to starve away, burn! And there's also a hint of where at least the calender is from, but where am I from? Who am I-  (heartbreaking secret of mine)



Selfportrait summer 2011



New menu and thoughts around/ about suicide

Well... I have during the day been thinking of those beans and peas.
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.

Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.

I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...

I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.

I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?

I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!

Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?

food diary today

Porridge 65 kcal
Carrot    31 kcal

Total:    96 kcal

Which means that I can have some more to eat without feeling bad (or yes I will and I'll hold myself to not eating more as long as possible). But absolutely not over 200 kcal/ day. I've been starving between 3pm yesterday to 9am today.. and then I've had what can be read above. So I probably should have something.
I'll have another porrige... yepp.

What happend?

Every little problem become hughe!

I lose focus and perception of reality. As soon as something not goes according to my plans my world collapse. I began to breathe heavily and irregularly...(I don't know if it's 2 hours ago or maybe 40 minutes ago?)  Now I'm almost apathetic, can't barely write properly or write at all. Lose words and get nervous twitching of the body's muscles. I'm drained of energy... I hate my life.

This is what happend:
I feel sick, my eyes and head is spinning ... Where am I? I would never in the world able to put my finger on the map and point to where I am. Looking on the internet and the timetables for bus trips and train trips, flights, bike paths ... hell, I can't do this, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Walking around nervously, shaking and twisting my hands in panic...screaming and crying. Job at 4 o'clock, can't do it and then I "fainted", fell to the ground, woke up. I reached for my phone and called mom ... and once again, I messed up for my family. Mom have to come home from work to help me and then drive me to a bus/train to work.

I'm so sorry, I really need help, I need some meds or sick leave or get sick pay because I can't work, not study, nothing! I am so angry at everyone and everything! And so damn sick of myself ... anorexia screaming out rage - "Get up you stupid fuck, move it, snort, do drugs, do what the hell is needed to be slimmer now, go vomit, you are disgusting! Starve idiot starve, move idiot move" ... but my body can't move, I'm so depressed that... Where's all the joy? I want drugs again, drugs saved my life before... But I can't because of my liver and kidney. I can't move myself, everything is just getting worse and worse.

Fuck you anorexia... FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, but I love you even more.