Oki doki, what's cooking, nothing aye?
Been out all day, more work later at 5 p.m. Haven't felt any sickness today more then some gags when I eat or drink...
So todays food, I had 1 small green apple at 12 a.m. and a small tomato right now. But I'm calculating and it's better to count in big numbers (/100g) even if I eat less than 100g.
-I read that if you eat less than 1200 kcal/ day you lower your metabolism with 45% (?)
Apple/52 kcal and tomato/20 kcal
Total in: 72 kcal
Showing posts with label panic attacs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attacs. Show all posts
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Is this how it is?
Is this for real?
Is it acctually working?
First of all, I'm blank... with irritation. But I'm not sad, not even when I try to be, (just to see if it's maybe some kind of placebo-effect). I don't feel a shit compared to the previous weekend and yesterday. But I still feel.. bad, sad.... but very neutral.
I had a baked potato today, with chopped tomato, corn, ginger, garlic and cucumber (2dl). Potato- a medium sized, but I didn't eat all of it. (only clean and pure products, no salt, pepper or oil) Now I'm thinking and calculating in my head, I can feel that there is something who's screaming inside but... well I'm like inside a baloon, I can see and hear what's happening on the other side, and that's all ... it's all very frustrating and wierd.
Ah, i don't know what I feel. ar least I'm not crying and gasping for breath anymore.
I feel like it's way too soon for any effect? I can also feel that this will bring me hell on earth but yet joy.
I hope it's worth it. I still have dark thougths though.
Is it acctually working?
First of all, I'm blank... with irritation. But I'm not sad, not even when I try to be, (just to see if it's maybe some kind of placebo-effect). I don't feel a shit compared to the previous weekend and yesterday. But I still feel.. bad, sad.... but very neutral.
I had a baked potato today, with chopped tomato, corn, ginger, garlic and cucumber (2dl). Potato- a medium sized, but I didn't eat all of it. (only clean and pure products, no salt, pepper or oil) Now I'm thinking and calculating in my head, I can feel that there is something who's screaming inside but... well I'm like inside a baloon, I can see and hear what's happening on the other side, and that's all ... it's all very frustrating and wierd.
Ah, i don't know what I feel. ar least I'm not crying and gasping for breath anymore.
I feel like it's way too soon for any effect? I can also feel that this will bring me hell on earth but yet joy.
I hope it's worth it. I still have dark thougths though.
Knock out
After those hysterical days I was so so tired, as I wrote yesterday.
But who in the world could have imagine that I would sleep for 16h (!) I never sleep. But I don't mind. I feel sick, woke up this night and I was 1 minute away from vomiting, but I didn't.
I guess, if you need medicine they hit you on the right spot? But then gets weaker and weaker/ less effect?
Well, I need help to get a balanced life. You know, there's no strength left to battle my illnesses.
So this Is my first 24h day with new medicine (yesterday ½day) Let's see how it works, can't really tell any different so far... nope. Seems to be like normal but with backpain from the bed hours.
I would be glad if you who read my blog, now in those coming weeks will tell me if you notice any different in my writing and ye, less unhappy-ish.
But who in the world could have imagine that I would sleep for 16h (!) I never sleep. But I don't mind. I feel sick, woke up this night and I was 1 minute away from vomiting, but I didn't.
I guess, if you need medicine they hit you on the right spot? But then gets weaker and weaker/ less effect?
Well, I need help to get a balanced life. You know, there's no strength left to battle my illnesses.
So this Is my first 24h day with new medicine (yesterday ½day) Let's see how it works, can't really tell any different so far... nope. Seems to be like normal but with backpain from the bed hours.
I would be glad if you who read my blog, now in those coming weeks will tell me if you notice any different in my writing and ye, less unhappy-ish.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Ok, I'm home again
Hi there strangers
It's been a few hectic and heavy days. I've been in and out at hospitals and now I have a new medicine and more calming pills. My dad is my hero, he stod/ stand by my side always.
I'm also about to change clinic now, from one district to another. We've moved so, it's for the best... I hope.
Anyhow I had more Atarax 25 mg 2pills/3 times a day and This new one Sertralin Bluefish 50 mg 1pill /day. And later on twe will see if I maybe will change to topimax or/ and voxra. I had a tips about those and I told my doctor about them and they said that they will overlook it and talk about it but right now let's have this one.
I'm so tired and have no strength left. Might be time for coffee, maybe...
It's been a few hectic and heavy days. I've been in and out at hospitals and now I have a new medicine and more calming pills. My dad is my hero, he stod/ stand by my side always.
I'm also about to change clinic now, from one district to another. We've moved so, it's for the best... I hope.
Anyhow I had more Atarax 25 mg 2pills/3 times a day and This new one Sertralin Bluefish 50 mg 1pill /day. And later on twe will see if I maybe will change to topimax or/ and voxra. I had a tips about those and I told my doctor about them and they said that they will overlook it and talk about it but right now let's have this one.
I'm so tired and have no strength left. Might be time for coffee, maybe...
Friday, June 17, 2011
This is bad, really bad
I'm lying in my mom and dads bed, mom is to my left and dad is soon to be on my right side.
We've had a "talk" today...
In the morning dad is taking me to the hospital for some stronger medication and on monday we will go to the anorexia clinic to see my persoal doctor. And find new ways because this isn't working, it's not sustainable.
The "talk"- Well, we went to a restaurant, I had fried vegetables and lettuce. On our way home we were walking down at the beachside.
I felt like I was a danger to myself and others- I wanted to break something, cry, scream... anything I couldn't handle it anymore I couldn't handle myself anymore... I asked for to walk alone. I needed to be for myself for a while. When I finally were left alone I screamed my lungs ou, and cried my eyes out. punshing the sand, twisting my fingers and hands in frustration and panic, What! Why? Who am I? What the fuck is happening, I'm hallucinatig! I see stuff, Am I turning schitzo? I'm sick I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to take care of me. Is this what I wished for 12 years ago? When me and Emma compared our wheights on that scale outside the lunch/ cafeteria? (idiots, a scale outside the foodcourt where 10 year olds eat? what the hell were they thinking?) Is this what I wished for when I only had lettuce for lunch for one year? when I woke up at 6 and started to walk/run and do gymnastics for hours? ... I fell down on my knees.. the ground was cold, wet and soft, I love the forrest... I layed down, I couldn't breath, I was shaking out of my panic attack. But I found enough strength to get on my feets and go home... and then mom and dad looked at me and said.. "okey, let's have a talk" ...
Dad said, "Tomorrow I'll take you to the PhD, we'll get through this. But why didn't you listen to me and mom when we told you to be carefull, you have been playing with fire and now the fire is to big to control, but we'll get trough this love, we will"
I told my patents that I've or my mind have been sliding in on sucide and self-injury kind of thoughts. And that I soon enough won't see any point with staying here anymore. I hit myself in my face today, 4 times, with my fist, as hard as I could... it still hurts. And I had a 10 minutes long ice-shower. Nothing helped today, I'm worse than ever. I need medicine, I need help... Help that wont lead to me loosing grip of anorexia, because I need to control "it"/ "her". I need to live a life, not fight and win a war... life's to short to spend on stupid shit like battle anorexia, I might as well lve with it... and then die with it.
I'm so sorry...
I feel sorry for every person who is around me, but I'll never feel sorry for myself.
I'm the biggest jerk ever, so stupid, so wierd... fucking retard.
Hmm... the sweet and beautiful smalltown girl, girl next door, who became a model aned up as a psycho... WHAT A CLICHÉ! Pff... fuck it, I'm out.
I'll update you asap after my appointmentz.
We've had a "talk" today...
In the morning dad is taking me to the hospital for some stronger medication and on monday we will go to the anorexia clinic to see my persoal doctor. And find new ways because this isn't working, it's not sustainable.
The "talk"- Well, we went to a restaurant, I had fried vegetables and lettuce. On our way home we were walking down at the beachside.
I felt like I was a danger to myself and others- I wanted to break something, cry, scream... anything I couldn't handle it anymore I couldn't handle myself anymore... I asked for to walk alone. I needed to be for myself for a while. When I finally were left alone I screamed my lungs ou, and cried my eyes out. punshing the sand, twisting my fingers and hands in frustration and panic, What! Why? Who am I? What the fuck is happening, I'm hallucinatig! I see stuff, Am I turning schitzo? I'm sick I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to take care of me. Is this what I wished for 12 years ago? When me and Emma compared our wheights on that scale outside the lunch/ cafeteria? (idiots, a scale outside the foodcourt where 10 year olds eat? what the hell were they thinking?) Is this what I wished for when I only had lettuce for lunch for one year? when I woke up at 6 and started to walk/run and do gymnastics for hours? ... I fell down on my knees.. the ground was cold, wet and soft, I love the forrest... I layed down, I couldn't breath, I was shaking out of my panic attack. But I found enough strength to get on my feets and go home... and then mom and dad looked at me and said.. "okey, let's have a talk" ...
Dad said, "Tomorrow I'll take you to the PhD, we'll get through this. But why didn't you listen to me and mom when we told you to be carefull, you have been playing with fire and now the fire is to big to control, but we'll get trough this love, we will"
I told my patents that I've or my mind have been sliding in on sucide and self-injury kind of thoughts. And that I soon enough won't see any point with staying here anymore. I hit myself in my face today, 4 times, with my fist, as hard as I could... it still hurts. And I had a 10 minutes long ice-shower. Nothing helped today, I'm worse than ever. I need medicine, I need help... Help that wont lead to me loosing grip of anorexia, because I need to control "it"/ "her". I need to live a life, not fight and win a war... life's to short to spend on stupid shit like battle anorexia, I might as well lve with it... and then die with it.
I'm so sorry...
I feel sorry for every person who is around me, but I'll never feel sorry for myself.
I'm the biggest jerk ever, so stupid, so wierd... fucking retard.
Hmm... the sweet and beautiful smalltown girl, girl next door, who became a model aned up as a psycho... WHAT A CLICHÉ! Pff... fuck it, I'm out.
I'll update you asap after my appointmentz.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
New menu and thoughts around/ about suicide
Well... I have during the day been thinking of those beans and peas.
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.
Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.
I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...
I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.
I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?
I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!
Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.
Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.
I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...
I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.
I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?
I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!
Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?
It's a new day - it's a new dawn - it's a new life
Hey everyone.
Sorry for last day, but I made it through.
This night has been the worst in a long time, barely any sleep just rolling around in bed.
But what made me stay in bed and not go up was that I need sleep and rest so that I won't get another attack today.
Is someone taking lithium, I say to my PhD and the others involved that I don't want it, but maybe I should take it after all? Whaat do you think, what do you know or feel about lithium. I'm scared of it, I don't want to lose myself to something like 'being normal' or being ... 'nothing', blank.
I feel that my manic and depressive trend, behavior, my personality is everything I got. Who am I without it?
Anyhoooow...
I woke up, had my capsules.
I called my doctor, because they've send me some papers. I'm going on a routinecheck at some point in this up coming 2 weeks. Check this out: I'm going to the doctor for routine check to check my values. So many, always an entire list. The list this time:
Urine, blood gas, Hormones, ferritin, Medicines, cortisol (cobalamin Fotal), Cardiac Markers, Homocyestin, P-glucose, THS T3 T4, Coagulation, PSA, hematology, hemoglobin A1c, General Chemistry, Folat/Li/S100/Vank, Calciumjon, CDT , PK, Basic Chemistry, IgG / Hapto / Oroso, Basöverskott, Zinc, ACTH, Tacrolimus, Cyclosporin, Glucose
After my chat with Mr PhD, I was about to eat my food witch I prepared last night.
Oatmeals (½dl) and 2 tablespoons of psylliumseeds soaking in 3dl water over night in the fridge. I added 2 more dl of water (let it soak for 15 more minutes) and cooked it on low (3) in 25 minutes... It took me about... a bit more than 1 hour to eat this and I'm sooooo stuffed! I'm full (hate being full) So tomorrows breakfast will be less than this one I think.
Kcal for this breakfast I had along with a caynenne/ cinnamon-coffee (with 2 teaspoons of cayenne powder and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon mixed in the coffee powder) is a total of 65 kcal. It's like... I can eat this 3times a day and it will be only 195 kcal (!) less than 200. But I need variaty. So it's good for just breakfast. Dinner I don't have (I only eat like 2 times a day) And never ever after 6 p.m.
Cheers mate (taking a sipp of my cayenne/ cinnamon- coffee. -yummy!
Love you, thank's for your support!
Sorry for last day, but I made it through.
This night has been the worst in a long time, barely any sleep just rolling around in bed.
But what made me stay in bed and not go up was that I need sleep and rest so that I won't get another attack today.
Is someone taking lithium, I say to my PhD and the others involved that I don't want it, but maybe I should take it after all? Whaat do you think, what do you know or feel about lithium. I'm scared of it, I don't want to lose myself to something like 'being normal' or being ... 'nothing', blank.
I feel that my manic and depressive trend, behavior, my personality is everything I got. Who am I without it?
Anyhoooow...
I woke up, had my capsules.
I called my doctor, because they've send me some papers. I'm going on a routinecheck at some point in this up coming 2 weeks. Check this out: I'm going to the doctor for routine check to check my values. So many, always an entire list. The list this time:
Urine, blood gas, Hormones, ferritin, Medicines, cortisol (cobalamin Fotal), Cardiac Markers, Homocyestin, P-glucose, THS T3 T4, Coagulation, PSA, hematology, hemoglobin A1c, General Chemistry, Folat/Li/S100/Vank, Calciumjon, CDT , PK, Basic Chemistry, IgG / Hapto / Oroso, Basöverskott, Zinc, ACTH, Tacrolimus, Cyclosporin, Glucose
After my chat with Mr PhD, I was about to eat my food witch I prepared last night.
Oatmeals (½dl) and 2 tablespoons of psylliumseeds soaking in 3dl water over night in the fridge. I added 2 more dl of water (let it soak for 15 more minutes) and cooked it on low (3) in 25 minutes... It took me about... a bit more than 1 hour to eat this and I'm sooooo stuffed! I'm full (hate being full) So tomorrows breakfast will be less than this one I think.
Kcal for this breakfast I had along with a caynenne/ cinnamon-coffee (with 2 teaspoons of cayenne powder and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon mixed in the coffee powder) is a total of 65 kcal. It's like... I can eat this 3times a day and it will be only 195 kcal (!) less than 200. But I need variaty. So it's good for just breakfast. Dinner I don't have (I only eat like 2 times a day) And never ever after 6 p.m.
Cheers mate (taking a sipp of my cayenne/ cinnamon- coffee. -yummy!
Love you, thank's for your support!
Monday, June 13, 2011
What happend?
Every little problem become hughe!
I lose focus and perception of reality. As soon as something not goes according to my plans my world collapse. I began to breathe heavily and irregularly...(I don't know if it's 2 hours ago or maybe 40 minutes ago?) Now I'm almost apathetic, can't barely write properly or write at all. Lose words and get nervous twitching of the body's muscles. I'm drained of energy... I hate my life.
This is what happend:
I feel sick, my eyes and head is spinning ... Where am I? I would never in the world able to put my finger on the map and point to where I am. Looking on the internet and the timetables for bus trips and train trips, flights, bike paths ... hell, I can't do this, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Walking around nervously, shaking and twisting my hands in panic...screaming and crying. Job at 4 o'clock, can't do it and then I "fainted", fell to the ground, woke up. I reached for my phone and called mom ... and once again, I messed up for my family. Mom have to come home from work to help me and then drive me to a bus/train to work.
I'm so sorry, I really need help, I need some meds or sick leave or get sick pay because I can't work, not study, nothing! I am so angry at everyone and everything! And so damn sick of myself ... anorexia screaming out rage - "Get up you stupid fuck, move it, snort, do drugs, do what the hell is needed to be slimmer now, go vomit, you are disgusting! Starve idiot starve, move idiot move" ... but my body can't move, I'm so depressed that... Where's all the joy? I want drugs again, drugs saved my life before... But I can't because of my liver and kidney. I can't move myself, everything is just getting worse and worse.
Fuck you anorexia... FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, but I love you even more.
I lose focus and perception of reality. As soon as something not goes according to my plans my world collapse. I began to breathe heavily and irregularly...(I don't know if it's 2 hours ago or maybe 40 minutes ago?) Now I'm almost apathetic, can't barely write properly or write at all. Lose words and get nervous twitching of the body's muscles. I'm drained of energy... I hate my life.
This is what happend:
I feel sick, my eyes and head is spinning ... Where am I? I would never in the world able to put my finger on the map and point to where I am. Looking on the internet and the timetables for bus trips and train trips, flights, bike paths ... hell, I can't do this, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Walking around nervously, shaking and twisting my hands in panic...screaming and crying. Job at 4 o'clock, can't do it and then I "fainted", fell to the ground, woke up. I reached for my phone and called mom ... and once again, I messed up for my family. Mom have to come home from work to help me and then drive me to a bus/train to work.
I'm so sorry, I really need help, I need some meds or sick leave or get sick pay because I can't work, not study, nothing! I am so angry at everyone and everything! And so damn sick of myself ... anorexia screaming out rage - "Get up you stupid fuck, move it, snort, do drugs, do what the hell is needed to be slimmer now, go vomit, you are disgusting! Starve idiot starve, move idiot move" ... but my body can't move, I'm so depressed that... Where's all the joy? I want drugs again, drugs saved my life before... But I can't because of my liver and kidney. I can't move myself, everything is just getting worse and worse.
Fuck you anorexia... FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, but I love you even more.
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