What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

Gym membership

Today I bought membership at the gym, 12 months.
I'm starting on Thuesday. May it become a turning point, a new road, and let me choose the right way this time. So I can feel fine again.

It was expensive, but it was worth it. And my mom and her friend are on my side, saying it is probably for the best. Because if I look at my own statistics of minfullness, I'm the closest to a 'not very much anxiety but stil some'-state of mind, when I do workout.

I'm now at mom's friends place, in the middle of the city. Tomorrow I'll go to the pharmacy. I will shop til I drop. Medz and laxatives, runned out of them last night... Whick was a reason to my mood, my routines must not be moved or in any way changed.


Better up tomorrow, sorry for bad posting.

Love.

Confession

Life sucks.
I need more help, anorexia is wonderfull yet so awfull... terribly frightening.
I hate my life today, and I had bad thoughts earlier, anxiety from the moment I opened my eyes.
And when I was sleeping, I had a dream. I hugged a little boy (the boy in the film 'The stoning of Soraya M')
And I said, I'll miss you so much and I cryed, big... enormous tears rolled down from my eyes, they didn't stop. The just kept on tearing and I cryed my heart out... then I woke up.

At that point I realized that I've lost the battle, the battle I strictly ordered myself to not take against anorexia.
I will from now on never ever trust myself. I'm danger and pain towards everyone, me and you.

I I had some guts I'd probably kill myself, but I wont. Not today or tomorrow, but in the long run and from a different angle... I've been dead since long time, inside. Inside there's nothing left of me apart from a feeling small as a grain of sand, asking for help.

I want to craw under a blanchet, put on a movie... fall asleep and wake up on a golden field of seeds and flowers... a place where there's no more problems. A place called heaven.

stupid medicine- adios short time memory

Hey!

Ok, first of all you should read the previous post (beneath this one).

And now when you’ve done that, we can move on. I’ve been running around like crazy at work, and pw to and from work.

My day started in a softish mood, I went to the beach and read a new (for me) book, about female scientists during the before Christ and all the way to the 17^th century. Very interesting. Because those fantastic females didn’t get what they deserve. But their husband, male friend, fathers or their own alias which often was a male name.  So by that I would like to say; You oldies from the antique Greece and Newton, Einstein and many many more… you wouldn’t be what you’ve become if your female helpers and female philosophers hadn’t been there for you, and you knew it then, and I know it now.

Then I was of for work, urgh! Bad bad day, my short time memory is  g o n e ! Keep on forgetting small but very important things.

Anyhow, I’m sad and anxiety is all over my chest… but I can’t let it out because of those stupid emotion-blocking pills.

Bye bye

Before I got fucked

Christ!

Like teasing, lovegame. I got fucked by anorexia before I got kissed today. Tomorrow we'll kiss, only. No one is getting fucked, mor than Lard.
I feel it, stupid me eating all that fucking food earlier! Baloon-belly. And I'll vry if the scale shows 57 or more tomorrow, so that's why I'm thinking of maybe not weight myself tomorrow. AH I¨m so stupid. I'm always thinking; "it's better if I eat ALL the food now, so there's no more to eat later" because we all know that if there's no food to eat, you simply don't eat.I feel fat, I have my period (!!!) so disgusting, what the fuck... I'm fat enought to carry a baby, and go through a healthy pregnancy...uhhhhg.

Nope, no more period, I'll skip it next month (by being thin enough to not have my period). I h a t e  fat, I really hate it. On myself, on others I don't care. I envy people who are normal or fat and are ok with it. But just the thought of being normal freaks me out.

Pills kickin in, my eyeslids shutting my eyes in shorter and shorter frequences.

Good night my lovers and mistresses. You and me again, tomorrow, to continue this dirty little huggermugger at bones forever. I feel like Hannah Montana with this schitzo-life.

purging

I was so close, last time was in India.
I'm purging in the form of laxatives, yes. But I was so close to vomit...

Well, it sure was a surprise. But I didn't do it.
And I feel empty in my stomach but packed in my intestines, so I had 2 laxative pills.
Problem easy done gone.

Good night readers, you've been faithfull today too.

Anorexia Check-list

My anorexia check-list

•    Headaches - check!
•    Dizziness - check!
•    Dehydration - check!
•    Muscle weakness - check!
•    Potassium deficiency - check!
•    Electrolyte imbalance - maybe (?), my heart "stoped" once and a friend started it again (hitted my chest), as I was asleep.
•    Kidney damage - check!
•    Cardiac arrhythmia - check!
•    Heart palpitations - check!
•    Fluid retention - check!
•    Nausea - check!
•    Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeat - check!
•    Edema -check!
•    Vitamin and mineral deficiencies - check!
•    Gastrointestinal problems - check!
•    Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation - check!
•    Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus - Don't think so, but I do have a ulcer.
•    Tears in the lining of the stomach - I have no idea, didn't even know it existed.
•    Chronic kidney problems/failure - check!
•    Tooth decay - Nope! My dentist says "imagine if everyone had teeth like you" I answer "...then you wouldn't have a job?"
•    Death - Alive but not living... You can't call what's 'check!:ed'  above 'living'?

I'm sorry

Hey guys.
Feel like shit, like a postorder my period came back today? and my mom said "you look normal, not too skinny" ... I'm a mess.
And I feel very disapointed in myself and the fact that I haven't delivered any info or anything else for that matter.... I've been off-work this last week and I have ache from head to toe.
Tomorrow aye, tomorrow this will be better. I feel that today was one step close to recatch that grip I lost recently.

Mom and me were just sitting in the sofa and giggleing, she had some wine and I just listened to her voice saying all those smart things, I love my mom. And I hope one day I will have that kind of knowlegde and motivation.

But for now all I have is fat, medz and a sad mind.

...

...
fuck.