How to survive.

I feel quite alright now a days. I can eat and enjoy the food at the same time. Me and my boyfriend cook food every day, good food. It's gluten-free, sugar-free and yeast-free... My boyfriend is crazy about food, he absolutely love it. And as many other anorexia- fuck up's I don't see that as a problem because I really don't care what's on my table partners plates. I can even say to him if I eat more than him or if he's eating less then usual "Are you sick, have some more. You need to eat"... quite funny aye? What I do to him, is what I HATE people do to me.
Every day, more or less... I keep telling myself that it is okay to eat up to 1500 kcal's/ day without any harm done.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend about how I chosen to live my life, with anorexia.
You see, I think I'll never get rid of my anorexia, bodily maybe but not mentally. So I'll learn to live with it... as I've told you readers before. Because everyday is a struggle against anorexia. But one day you'll run out of power to keep this battle going. I realized that I forgot everything about life, only thing that existed was me and my anorexia. So since that day I now everyday live my life, I will not let anorexia kill my days.
I have to learn to live with my disease, I need to control my anorexia... I refuse to be controlled.

Have fun, make it fun. Don't force yourselves! Go swim, go hike, take your bike, in lines along with some friends. Adopt a dog and help yourself and the dog to get a better life. I'm an animal rights-activist and if there's one thing you should do... it's to adopt a dog or any other homeless loveless piece of earthling. They need you and you need them. Animals have saved my life before and they will always be a big part of my life.
I got myself a new tattoo, two weeks ago. "Who is the ALF ?" on the back of my lower leg. (ALF = Animal Liberation Front) I now have 8 tattoos. A new way to feel nice pain, burns...

Now I'll wake up my slugabed to boyfriend, and our dog who also happens to be glued to the mattress and pillows... and I'll make myself some coffeeeee!
Oh, by the way... speaking of coffee 5 of 8 tattoos is on my hands. At my right hand, at my right hand FU fingers middle piece. I have a cup of coffee and above it there's a skull  who drops a tear down in the coffee... why do I have this? Well, my kidneys and my liver is scarred for life because of my lifestyle I've lived for many many years now. And every time I have a cup (more like five cups) of coffee, it hurts... But coffee is something I just cant resist. Black, strong and rich! (No I'm not talking about men I talk only about coffee... 4 real.)

Gym membership

Today I bought membership at the gym, 12 months.
I'm starting on Thuesday. May it become a turning point, a new road, and let me choose the right way this time. So I can feel fine again.

It was expensive, but it was worth it. And my mom and her friend are on my side, saying it is probably for the best. Because if I look at my own statistics of minfullness, I'm the closest to a 'not very much anxiety but stil some'-state of mind, when I do workout.

I'm now at mom's friends place, in the middle of the city. Tomorrow I'll go to the pharmacy. I will shop til I drop. Medz and laxatives, runned out of them last night... Whick was a reason to my mood, my routines must not be moved or in any way changed.


Better up tomorrow, sorry for bad posting.

Love.

At rest burns about 1500 kcal / day... more info

My work - model. Through agencies I get booked, for what ever the clients want. (I don't do fur or Gaga meat-dress-ish). And I have a second job too, waitress... and that's where I've been now this evening.

Holy virgin mother Mary and her son jesus christ and everyone else! Overbooked, full house! Running around for 5½ h, the sweat was dripping from my forehead, (for real). But I made it, and that's a work out according to me... (if you don't belive me... try it out and you'll change your mind) My whole body aches, like I've been at a full bodypump session.

I still haven't had any food more than the tomato and apple. So I'll do a quick calc. of in/out kcal/ today.
And today I'll acctually star adding normal/ by it self- kcal burn, which is [NOTICE!]: An adult at rest burns about 1500 kcal / day, normal activities, usually about 2000-3000 kcal / day. And witch (kcal) food I rounding up and rounding down with (kcal) training. So I'll take the lowest (1500) even if I've been out earlier today, and I'll also add work tonight, which I counter up to -1546.


In: 72
Out: 3046

Total: -2974 kcal.

I feel good when I starve, it's not only about my head wants me to be thin. It's like a reward to feel emptiness. It's a self injury and it's opposit at the same time, I don't feel bad, thats one thing for sure. Let me starve and I'll give you a smile.

Bye for now readers, you make my day!

This is bad, really bad

I'm lying in my mom and dads bed, mom is to my left and dad is soon to be on my right side.
We've had a "talk" today...

 In the morning dad is taking me to the hospital for some stronger medication and on monday we will go to the anorexia clinic to see my persoal doctor. And find new ways because this isn't working, it's not sustainable.

The "talk"- Well, we went to a restaurant, I had fried vegetables and lettuce. On our way home we were walking down at the beachside.
I felt like I was a danger to myself and others- I wanted to break something, cry, scream... anything I couldn't handle it anymore I couldn't handle myself anymore... I asked for to walk alone. I needed to be for myself for a while. When I finally were left alone I screamed my lungs ou, and cried my eyes out. punshing the sand, twisting my fingers and hands in frustration and panic, What! Why? Who am I? What the fuck is happening, I'm hallucinatig! I see stuff, Am I turning schitzo? I'm sick I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to take care of me. Is this what I wished for 12 years ago? When me and Emma compared our wheights on that scale outside the lunch/ cafeteria? (idiots, a scale outside the foodcourt where 10 year olds eat? what the hell were they thinking?) Is this what I wished for when I only had lettuce for lunch for one year? when I woke up at 6 and started to walk/run and do gymnastics for hours? ... I fell down on my knees.. the ground was cold, wet and soft,  I love the forrest... I layed down, I couldn't breath, I was shaking out of my panic attack. But I found enough strength to get on my feets and go home... and then mom and dad looked at me and said.. "okey, let's have a talk" ...

Dad said, "Tomorrow I'll take you to the PhD, we'll get through this. But why didn't you listen to me and mom when we told you to be carefull, you have been playing with fire and now the fire is to big to control, but we'll get trough this love, we will"

I told my patents that I've or my mind have been sliding in on sucide and self-injury kind of thoughts. And that I soon enough won't see any point with staying here anymore. I hit myself in my face today, 4 times, with my fist, as hard as I could... it still hurts. And I had a 10 minutes long ice-shower. Nothing helped today, I'm worse than ever. I need medicine, I need help... Help that wont lead to me loosing grip of anorexia, because I need to control "it"/ "her". I need to live a life, not fight and win a war... life's to short to spend on stupid shit like battle anorexia, I might as well lve with it... and then die with it.

I'm so sorry...
I feel sorry for every person who is around me, but I'll never feel sorry for myself.
I'm the biggest jerk ever, so stupid, so wierd... fucking retard.
Hmm... the sweet and beautiful smalltown girl, girl next door, who became a model aned up as a psycho... WHAT A CLICHÉ! Pff... fuck it, I'm out.

I'll update you asap after my appointmentz.

It's been a bad day please don't take a picture

My belly is hurting so much. It's like someone is pulling my stomach inside out.
I've got angioedema during the night and it hurts so much, such a disgusting feeling. It has shrunk down a bit now... but my right hand was hughe, my feets were like globes and my face was dry, itchy and swollen.
Probably got it from the medicin I recived to treat candida, which I got from something which I got from something which I got from anorexia... But I don't know, might be something else likewise.

I was very sad during the night, even my dreams are sad and depressed (I'm melancholic in my dreams) When I awoke, I was very sad, upset and very disturbed over that I forgot to turn off the computer which was located beside my head on the table. So that my computer injected radiation, heat and electricity in me throughout all the night. I hate heat, I want to freeze, shake out of cold. What I do-when I hate myself the most, because it's a like a bitter-sweet feeling which comes over me, I take this really really cold shower to punish myself or just to avoid other stuf I do not want to do.

[woow, I almost fainted and now I have theese red rashes on my body, like hives, but Candia-fied. Now I'm okey again.]

To eat I've had the 65kcal porridge and a capsule. I'll make myself some coffe soon. But first watcj a movie, or re--watch Hungover I, so that I can be all in focus on Hungover II.

[AH! it happens again, all black infront of my eyes and I see stars, feel like vomiting, nasty]

Got to go before I puke al over my computer.