Back to what I am: A fuck up

We have not gone shooting yet, but I did get motion sickness earlier than expected … on a swing on a children’s playground. Me and S were out walking the dog. Passed a playground and had to try it, can’t remember last time I was doing this. And I really enjoyed it, until I got sick.

I really needed it because yesterday, she came back… Ana… fucked me real hard. Relapse is a fact having Borderline. I fucked it up, again.

I cried myself to sleep, got mad at our dog, angry with myself. Every muscle hurts today out of tensions, so much anxiety and anxiety still hurts in its own way.

Yesterday I wished I had benzo and a ball blanket. Thoughts of hurting myself, dying, starving, self-hate, self-disgrace. I feel terrible.

In situations like this, no one understands. And I’m cut off from reality. I’m quiet, introverted and withdrawn and inside of me… chaos.

I hate myself… I wish today never existed. Please fast forward. 

What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

See the small signs

I was about to go on a boat ride, a walk and go to a restaurant with Mom, dad and S today. But since yesterday when we decided this I’ve had anxiety and stress symptoms. And I’m afraid of going and push myself too hard and get anx-attacs. So this morning I and S had to cancel our participation.

Probably for the better, I need “a day of” to just catch my breath and rest.

Even though I’m on 100% indefinite sick leave (from working, looking for jobs and demands on me from the community/state/government/institutions, except psychiatry) I’m still getting exhausted and stressed out to a psychological collapse by almost nothing. It’s a disability I have, unfortunately.

I now have financial support for social welfare, a financial safety net. That's a relief.