Shine

I found a way to get rid of the restlessness I suffer. Instead of run until my lungs bleed, me S, P and our dog go out in the middle of the night like from 1 to 4 in the morning. Just walking and talking. It feels okay, I get so tired but not exhausted.

I’ve been climbing. But the weather has been quite gray with some rain here and there and on and off for like a week or more. But today sun shines bright, and when sun shine - I shine... So I and S and another friend are going out bouldering. I Will bring coffee, I’m a bit tired I have to say. 

I’ve been climbing during the days and out in a zombie town all night(s). This is a huge college city, and now during summer all students have gone home so it’s like a ghost town. It's so nice and calm, like it should be.

And speaking of ghosts, have you seen the French TV-series Les Revenants? It’s really good. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

On saturday I'll go go to my parents, celebrating dad's and my bithday, a bit late. I really don't bother being celebrated. But they do, so if it makes them happy, so be it.

This picture of me is from this last past winter when I was hospitalized, I look the same but my mind is so much clrearer. Such a different!

See the small signs

I was about to go on a boat ride, a walk and go to a restaurant with Mom, dad and S today. But since yesterday when we decided this I’ve had anxiety and stress symptoms. And I’m afraid of going and push myself too hard and get anx-attacs. So this morning I and S had to cancel our participation.

Probably for the better, I need “a day of” to just catch my breath and rest.

Even though I’m on 100% indefinite sick leave (from working, looking for jobs and demands on me from the community/state/government/institutions, except psychiatry) I’m still getting exhausted and stressed out to a psychological collapse by almost nothing. It’s a disability I have, unfortunately.

I now have financial support for social welfare, a financial safety net. That's a relief.

I feel better

Hello 

Don’t bother the “Old post”-post. It’s just for me.

Summer has arrived, feels good. Yesterday sun was at its highest point so now we are moving towards darker times again. 

Last night was a national feast and booze day, but not for us beneath this roof. Good food and good movies and lots of talking. I actually was here last year too, with S and P. (remember I live with my friend P’s parents place).

I've told you that I started to climb again. I’m already super strong and my back and knee problems are history, in just 1 ½ months. And it is so much fun! I’ll be crazy fit I a couple of months.

I don’t have any anxiety while climbing, feel so good. It’s like benzo effect. And I can’t over exercise as I normally do with running or gym because you run out of energy in two hours and your arm muscles are like… not like cooked spaghettis more as they have no strength left what so ever. So you have to climb in intervals. With running you can just keep running for 2 hours without a pause and that’s a trigger for me, cardio, triggers eating disorders and anxiety.

I’ve gained contact with one of my exes again, Martin, It makes me happy. He’s a good guy.

Well, that’s it for now, I'll try my best to blog more often.

Now I’ll go climbing (bouldering)

confession and promise

Good morning!

I'm a lousy eater when I'm home alone. I never eat when I'm alone. That's why I always gets even more sick than regular, when I'm on holiday or living alone or... like now, just home alone. Plain and simple, anorexia takes over when I'm alone and I am like butter in sunshine, I stand no chance against anorexia at that point.
Bad bad bad, but from another angle and perspective I'm proud of myself, no Ana is proud of me. I hate it, I don't want to be sick anymore.
I asked my boyfriend S, if he could say only one, one day I've been healthy without any disease since we met 4½ months ago. His answer were, "I really can't, no I can't". Pathetic!
But some days ago, I made myself and S a promise. I'll never ever be sick again, accept for relapse out of anorexia, because that I cant help. But colds and kidney-inflammations and ulcer and shit. I think I can manage to stay well without them coming back.
Because, how I feel right now is painful. My ulcer hurts 24/7 from the antibiotics and other medicines likewise.

So from today it is official, I'll never ever get sick again, or at least I'll do my best to stay healthy and well! If not for me, it's for S and my friends and family... and our economy, oh my lard! It's expensive to be sick.
And I really need a bike! S got one, but I don't and I would love to go out and bicycle with him, and our dog at some times.

Yesterday I saw a interview on TV, a woman in her 30's who have written a book. She started out with depressions and anorexia in her early teens. She go sent from one clinic to another and got a messy and beyond all limits, shitty treatment. Not until she got old, adult, she got the right diagnose... Borderline.
Her story was so close to mine, like how my story is right now.
She read from her book, and every word was like a million knifes thrown straight into my heart. That's exactly how I feel, I felt.
And her thoughts and words about her boyfriend always supporting her and being there for her. Even if she was mean and sick, he stood strong by her side, always. He did it out of love and gratitude for she being the one who held his pieces and his life together. It's like a beautiful, perfect match. And that is how I feel about S. I really really love him, and I'm so grateful for having him in my life.

Bye for now!

understanding and investment

I read a great chronicle last night (reading aloud to my boyfriend at 4pm) well, actually it was three chronicles.

Such inspiration! I'll now spoil from which country I'm from through posting this link, but that's okay... and if you don't understand the language, copy/paste it into Google translate. http://efterarbetet.etc.se/kronika/invandrartourettes 

I write allot, this blog is just a mote of dust in space out of everything I write. 

My boyfriends, let's call him S, mother suffered from anorexia and e.d's like me and a while ago she asked S if I still have problems, because every time we eat outside home, it's only coffee and fruits on the menu. 

Well I eat, I do. I've gained weight, I have... I'm happier, I am. Am I still sick of this disease? Yes, no doubt!

But with my allergies and such it's not easy to eat anything else than fruits while eating out. 

At x-mas I tried to do push ups... without success. Couldn't even push myself up once. So I made one of my brothers a promise, in mid February I'll be able to to at least(!) 10 push ups. And yesterday folks, I did five! My stomach is strong, I can do 1 000 000 sit ups with out any probs, but push ups... Ow my lard! Hells no... aint my strongest feature... yet!

S is right next to me, always. Barely away from each other at all. Today at breakfast, we told each other that.. to have kids, and give up the life we're living no wouldn't be a sacrifice, it would be an investment in life.

But it's not like we will do it, right now anyway. But it feels good to actually feel safe and confident about our future, whatever happens in our relation. It feels good to finally have met my true soulmate. 

I've only had coffee today, so far. And I'm very cold today, I had potatoes for dinner last night. I LOVE POTATOES! keeps you full and you don't need very much. 

For now I'll have to say goodbye... maybe post something later today. I'm frankly speaking so, so glad that I have as much readers, from every corner on our planet who appreciate my blog. And thanks for all the emails you've sent me. It keeps me motivated to keep thing blog runnin'.

How to survive.

I feel quite alright now a days. I can eat and enjoy the food at the same time. Me and my boyfriend cook food every day, good food. It's gluten-free, sugar-free and yeast-free... My boyfriend is crazy about food, he absolutely love it. And as many other anorexia- fuck up's I don't see that as a problem because I really don't care what's on my table partners plates. I can even say to him if I eat more than him or if he's eating less then usual "Are you sick, have some more. You need to eat"... quite funny aye? What I do to him, is what I HATE people do to me.
Every day, more or less... I keep telling myself that it is okay to eat up to 1500 kcal's/ day without any harm done.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend about how I chosen to live my life, with anorexia.
You see, I think I'll never get rid of my anorexia, bodily maybe but not mentally. So I'll learn to live with it... as I've told you readers before. Because everyday is a struggle against anorexia. But one day you'll run out of power to keep this battle going. I realized that I forgot everything about life, only thing that existed was me and my anorexia. So since that day I now everyday live my life, I will not let anorexia kill my days.
I have to learn to live with my disease, I need to control my anorexia... I refuse to be controlled.

Have fun, make it fun. Don't force yourselves! Go swim, go hike, take your bike, in lines along with some friends. Adopt a dog and help yourself and the dog to get a better life. I'm an animal rights-activist and if there's one thing you should do... it's to adopt a dog or any other homeless loveless piece of earthling. They need you and you need them. Animals have saved my life before and they will always be a big part of my life.
I got myself a new tattoo, two weeks ago. "Who is the ALF ?" on the back of my lower leg. (ALF = Animal Liberation Front) I now have 8 tattoos. A new way to feel nice pain, burns...

Now I'll wake up my slugabed to boyfriend, and our dog who also happens to be glued to the mattress and pillows... and I'll make myself some coffeeeee!
Oh, by the way... speaking of coffee 5 of 8 tattoos is on my hands. At my right hand, at my right hand FU fingers middle piece. I have a cup of coffee and above it there's a skull  who drops a tear down in the coffee... why do I have this? Well, my kidneys and my liver is scarred for life because of my lifestyle I've lived for many many years now. And every time I have a cup (more like five cups) of coffee, it hurts... But coffee is something I just cant resist. Black, strong and rich! (No I'm not talking about men I talk only about coffee... 4 real.)

modeltalk and workout-schedule

Hey guys!

I just got information about my internet-connection; it will be gone for some days. So this is the last post on a short time of period. I’ll have to solve it in another way because I need internet for work, mail, bank and blog.

It will be gone in an hour or two. So I’m in a hurry to get this out online.

Okay, what’s up…  I’m watching an old episode of Australia’s next top model and what can I say. Jordan is cool and Paloma got issues. But there are drop dead gorgeous both of them. I hope they’re having a good life now, and have grown up to be balanced women’s. ANTM and all the other next top model-series/ episodes are so not like the real deal, really.

Mom and dad are bringing my workout clothes today. Finally I’ll be start the best workout I’ve ever had probably (except… boxing which is the best exercise, no doubt)

I’ll just have fruits and greens (vegetables; red and green) as good as I can. Detox along with laxatives and cal/ fat-burn pills and workout. Must work, can’t fail this time.

So I guess I owe you a good update in a while with weight and bmi and workout/ food diary.

Take care for now readers and I’ll catch you later, hang in there!

Love

I'm a good friend... the best

...the best they say. I was a long time since I acctually heard someone say something like that, and I could see that he really meant it. He said "I will never ever meet anyone being more impulsive, funny, smart, goodlooking, warmhearted like you. And out of all time I've been alive the 6 months I had with you was the best I've ever had" And on it went, we are soooogod friends like... it's crazy everything is just so... relaxed and natural... casual in a good way. And for the record, he has a girlfriend and I'm not interested in him or him in me, might sound like by nope, I feel nothing more than like a sister from another mister towards him.

I just friends (the one written abou above and another guy) over for some hang out, were going out with the boat tomorrow, we'll start the day by 10 am, and we'll (they) have breakfast on the boat out on the sea. I love my boys, I am acctually getting better along with male friend than female friends. And the female friend I have isn't veru girly (giggeling and it's all about make up). I love people who can serve me happiness and impulsivity, persons who I don't need to talk to verbaly to understand.

I had, apples and a pear today. And dryed apricots. Coffee 4 cups, and 1ton water.
Tomorrow I'm slimmin' up, preparing for 3 days off work!!! (one day on the boat and two days on the gym. whole days I mean.)

And this mean that I wont go to the gym tomorrow, but I'll be swimming in the ocean on deep water like all day and that's workout too aight?

btw, Me and tv sucks - You and internet rocks! (and laxatives, which I bough today, yay!

superannuated, reasonable & thinspo

I would like to welcome my new readers from/ in Slovakia, Russia and Bulgaria. Welcome!

I'm watching tv (not play channels online), it's so long time since I last saw a tv show on a tv screen.
It's mostly crap acctually, only commercials and big time poitless programs. But I do like the cooking programs, I'm stuffed, disgusted and satisfied after the show.

I'll now have 4 cups of coffee americano press coffee and I bottle of acqua frizzante and my pills.
Maybe some beans, yes. And then I'll go outside, for a walk. And go to the pharmacy!

And from one thing to another, I'm so excited for the upcoming training at the new gym.
I am myself reading another blog, and she wrote about her gym, with different classes and the wide range of fitness opportunities.



And then I started to 'investigate' this gym. And I found it very nice and welcoming. So yepp, I am really looking forward to go there. And get a fit and slimmed body, like those one's...

Anna Selezneva



Sasha Pivovarova