Shine

I found a way to get rid of the restlessness I suffer. Instead of run until my lungs bleed, me S, P and our dog go out in the middle of the night like from 1 to 4 in the morning. Just walking and talking. It feels okay, I get so tired but not exhausted.

I’ve been climbing. But the weather has been quite gray with some rain here and there and on and off for like a week or more. But today sun shines bright, and when sun shine - I shine... So I and S and another friend are going out bouldering. I Will bring coffee, I’m a bit tired I have to say. 

I’ve been climbing during the days and out in a zombie town all night(s). This is a huge college city, and now during summer all students have gone home so it’s like a ghost town. It's so nice and calm, like it should be.

And speaking of ghosts, have you seen the French TV-series Les Revenants? It’s really good. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

On saturday I'll go go to my parents, celebrating dad's and my bithday, a bit late. I really don't bother being celebrated. But they do, so if it makes them happy, so be it.

This picture of me is from this last past winter when I was hospitalized, I look the same but my mind is so much clrearer. Such a different!

How to survive.

I feel quite alright now a days. I can eat and enjoy the food at the same time. Me and my boyfriend cook food every day, good food. It's gluten-free, sugar-free and yeast-free... My boyfriend is crazy about food, he absolutely love it. And as many other anorexia- fuck up's I don't see that as a problem because I really don't care what's on my table partners plates. I can even say to him if I eat more than him or if he's eating less then usual "Are you sick, have some more. You need to eat"... quite funny aye? What I do to him, is what I HATE people do to me.
Every day, more or less... I keep telling myself that it is okay to eat up to 1500 kcal's/ day without any harm done.

Yesterday I told my boyfriend about how I chosen to live my life, with anorexia.
You see, I think I'll never get rid of my anorexia, bodily maybe but not mentally. So I'll learn to live with it... as I've told you readers before. Because everyday is a struggle against anorexia. But one day you'll run out of power to keep this battle going. I realized that I forgot everything about life, only thing that existed was me and my anorexia. So since that day I now everyday live my life, I will not let anorexia kill my days.
I have to learn to live with my disease, I need to control my anorexia... I refuse to be controlled.

Have fun, make it fun. Don't force yourselves! Go swim, go hike, take your bike, in lines along with some friends. Adopt a dog and help yourself and the dog to get a better life. I'm an animal rights-activist and if there's one thing you should do... it's to adopt a dog or any other homeless loveless piece of earthling. They need you and you need them. Animals have saved my life before and they will always be a big part of my life.
I got myself a new tattoo, two weeks ago. "Who is the ALF ?" on the back of my lower leg. (ALF = Animal Liberation Front) I now have 8 tattoos. A new way to feel nice pain, burns...

Now I'll wake up my slugabed to boyfriend, and our dog who also happens to be glued to the mattress and pillows... and I'll make myself some coffeeeee!
Oh, by the way... speaking of coffee 5 of 8 tattoos is on my hands. At my right hand, at my right hand FU fingers middle piece. I have a cup of coffee and above it there's a skull  who drops a tear down in the coffee... why do I have this? Well, my kidneys and my liver is scarred for life because of my lifestyle I've lived for many many years now. And every time I have a cup (more like five cups) of coffee, it hurts... But coffee is something I just cant resist. Black, strong and rich! (No I'm not talking about men I talk only about coffee... 4 real.)

C'mon!

For real, life is pissin on me. I'm starting to feel bad again.
I'm not hungry, but I'm tierd and low in bloodsugar.
Fuck it, feels like only reason I'm still here is because I'm to afraid of hurting
my family and friends and... because I'm to much of a coward to not be here.
And you readers, not judging me... or are you? I don't know anything, and I don't know why you read my blog?

In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0
tomato 20

Out:
Autoburn 1500
Job/ Work 1697

Total:  - 3079 kcal

wheight loss?

Morning

[notice]Work 1a.m.-8p.m. som I'll give you a better post in the evening, after work.

Woke up at 9, running around the house. Chatting with mom and dad about everything.
I stod up on the scale this morning, no change still 57 kg.
But that's okey, because last time I wheighed myself I had have laxatives and super starvation. This time, non of it.

No I've just had something to eat so I'm able to work without fainting or something like that. I'll work for 7h today, on the floor.

-So far:
In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0

Out:

Total:

I crashed at bash

Hey peepz!

theese last two days has been busy. Yesterday I was at my cousins place, she was throwing a party. So much people came, it was so much fun.
But, so much focus on food that I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus. And that resulted in me going to bed at 1 p.m. There was about 50 persons running around outside the door (her house is hughe) but I had a 1.20m -bed for myself and the pill made be crash even if it was bash outside.

Woke up at 10 a.m. started to clean the house and garden. Drove home to my place, changed clothes and headed of to work. And.... now I'm home.

Yesterday I had loads of strawberries (like 2L) and I had lettuce and potato-pie about 150g, max. (potato, ginger, dill, chives, tomato, cucumber. pressed together and grilled in the oven). And, well so much food... as I said 'I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus'. And You do the math, because I won't.

Today, I've had;

In:
Porrige 65
Lettuce 40
Coffee 0
=105 kcal

Out:
Autoburn: 1500
Exercice/ work: 1474
=2974 kcal

Total: -2869 kcal

For my real life friends out there and cyberfriends.

I'm sorry if I make you worried, sad, blue or mad. But as I said before, this is my ventilationroom.
And I never thought I would get this much readers, and I never promoted my blog with any effort put into it.

I don't want more people to get sick or be diagnosed with e.d's or anorexia. It's hell, I hate it. I wich everyday that I was normal (in my head) and that I could have that delicious cake without beeing afraid of me killig myslef later on because of a cake... A CAKE!

I'm sick, I know it, you know it... So what's the next step in our relation? What's after being honest about being honest?

Drained of blood and sugarfree-sushi-fied

Hi y'all. I'm so sorry for not posting anything during the day!
But here's what I've been up too...

I'v been out all day. Started of in the morning with daddy taking me to the Doctor, where they drained me of blood. You have no idea! Needle in my arm and they just sucked it out, filled them tubes like they've only filled tubes with blood for a living their whole life.

Then we went to a bigger hospital for some other stuff. And then we went to a sushi bar. I had rice rolls, and avocado 8 peices.
Foor everbodys awareness; They have sugar in sushirice so be sure to ask them and have them to make you sugarfree, mayofree, vegetable avo/rice-rolls. Wasabi is also containing sugar... And I'm not sure about the soysauce, but it'd surprise me if there were no sugar in it. (I'm not eating soysauce anyhow)

Me and dad we went to the furnitureshop to pick up some stuff and then we headed back home. While at home I had my sushi, it was so nice and free from devilish ingredients. (This was my breakfast)

After that I streamed som movies at my computer and... crashed. Until now and now I'm going to bed. So exhausted!!!

I had my exam diploma sent over today. Happy graduation or something, this has been the worst year ever. Since end of July I've not had one day of 100% joy. At some point every single day since july 2010 I've been feeling that I would be better if I wasn't around or I'm not worth the struggle.
A friend of mine, her mom said something very touching earlier today when I mentioned that I was afraid nut yet exited about that I'm about to start going on cognitive behavioral therapy. She quoted a booktitle "You should '(...) live a life, not win a war' "

Now I had some prunes (dryed plums) for supper/ snacks.
And I'm so thirsty! (prob. from the sushi)

Anyway, I'm going to bed for some more nightmares... looking forward to it (being ironic). This life sucks, but there's people out there having it way worse than I. I were in India for 2 months, arrived back home in mid april. I'll never ever go back and I'll never ever forget what I saw ( wen't with my class, as a part of the course)

Goodnight readers, hope your day was better than mine! My day was not bad, it just, well let's say that the day did not get the proper justice it deserves.

Food diary:
Sugar and Mayo-free Sushi - 8 pieces.
50 g dryed plums

What happend?

Every little problem become hughe!

I lose focus and perception of reality. As soon as something not goes according to my plans my world collapse. I began to breathe heavily and irregularly...(I don't know if it's 2 hours ago or maybe 40 minutes ago?)  Now I'm almost apathetic, can't barely write properly or write at all. Lose words and get nervous twitching of the body's muscles. I'm drained of energy... I hate my life.

This is what happend:
I feel sick, my eyes and head is spinning ... Where am I? I would never in the world able to put my finger on the map and point to where I am. Looking on the internet and the timetables for bus trips and train trips, flights, bike paths ... hell, I can't do this, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Walking around nervously, shaking and twisting my hands in panic...screaming and crying. Job at 4 o'clock, can't do it and then I "fainted", fell to the ground, woke up. I reached for my phone and called mom ... and once again, I messed up for my family. Mom have to come home from work to help me and then drive me to a bus/train to work.

I'm so sorry, I really need help, I need some meds or sick leave or get sick pay because I can't work, not study, nothing! I am so angry at everyone and everything! And so damn sick of myself ... anorexia screaming out rage - "Get up you stupid fuck, move it, snort, do drugs, do what the hell is needed to be slimmer now, go vomit, you are disgusting! Starve idiot starve, move idiot move" ... but my body can't move, I'm so depressed that... Where's all the joy? I want drugs again, drugs saved my life before... But I can't because of my liver and kidney. I can't move myself, everything is just getting worse and worse.

Fuck you anorexia... FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, but I love you even more.