Confession

Life sucks.
I need more help, anorexia is wonderfull yet so awfull... terribly frightening.
I hate my life today, and I had bad thoughts earlier, anxiety from the moment I opened my eyes.
And when I was sleeping, I had a dream. I hugged a little boy (the boy in the film 'The stoning of Soraya M')
And I said, I'll miss you so much and I cryed, big... enormous tears rolled down from my eyes, they didn't stop. The just kept on tearing and I cryed my heart out... then I woke up.

At that point I realized that I've lost the battle, the battle I strictly ordered myself to not take against anorexia.
I will from now on never ever trust myself. I'm danger and pain towards everyone, me and you.

I I had some guts I'd probably kill myself, but I wont. Not today or tomorrow, but in the long run and from a different angle... I've been dead since long time, inside. Inside there's nothing left of me apart from a feeling small as a grain of sand, asking for help.

I want to craw under a blanchet, put on a movie... fall asleep and wake up on a golden field of seeds and flowers... a place where there's no more problems. A place called heaven.