Is this how it is?

Is this for real?
Is it acctually working?

First of all, I'm blank... with irritation. But I'm not sad, not even when I try to be, (just to see if it's maybe some kind of placebo-effect). I don't feel a shit compared to the previous weekend and yesterday. But I still feel.. bad, sad.... but very neutral.

I had a baked potato today, with chopped tomato, corn, ginger, garlic and cucumber (2dl). Potato- a medium sized, but I didn't eat all of it. (only clean and pure products, no salt, pepper or oil) Now I'm thinking and calculating in my head, I can feel that there is something who's screaming inside but... well I'm like inside a baloon, I can see and hear what's happening on the other side, and that's all ... it's all very frustrating and wierd.

Ah, i don't know what I feel. ar least I'm not crying and gasping for breath anymore.

I feel like it's way too soon for any effect? I can also feel that this will bring me hell on earth but yet joy.
I hope it's worth it. I still have dark thougths though.

It's been a bad day please don't take a picture

My belly is hurting so much. It's like someone is pulling my stomach inside out.
I've got angioedema during the night and it hurts so much, such a disgusting feeling. It has shrunk down a bit now... but my right hand was hughe, my feets were like globes and my face was dry, itchy and swollen.
Probably got it from the medicin I recived to treat candida, which I got from something which I got from something which I got from anorexia... But I don't know, might be something else likewise.

I was very sad during the night, even my dreams are sad and depressed (I'm melancholic in my dreams) When I awoke, I was very sad, upset and very disturbed over that I forgot to turn off the computer which was located beside my head on the table. So that my computer injected radiation, heat and electricity in me throughout all the night. I hate heat, I want to freeze, shake out of cold. What I do-when I hate myself the most, because it's a like a bitter-sweet feeling which comes over me, I take this really really cold shower to punish myself or just to avoid other stuf I do not want to do.

[woow, I almost fainted and now I have theese red rashes on my body, like hives, but Candia-fied. Now I'm okey again.]

To eat I've had the 65kcal porridge and a capsule. I'll make myself some coffe soon. But first watcj a movie, or re--watch Hungover I, so that I can be all in focus on Hungover II.

[AH! it happens again, all black infront of my eyes and I see stars, feel like vomiting, nasty]

Got to go before I puke al over my computer.

New menu and thoughts around/ about suicide

Well... I have during the day been thinking of those beans and peas.
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.

Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.

I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...

I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.

I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?

I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!

Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?

food diary today

Porridge 65 kcal
Carrot    31 kcal

Total:    96 kcal

Which means that I can have some more to eat without feeling bad (or yes I will and I'll hold myself to not eating more as long as possible). But absolutely not over 200 kcal/ day. I've been starving between 3pm yesterday to 9am today.. and then I've had what can be read above. So I probably should have something.
I'll have another porrige... yepp.

This week's preliminary anorexia-menu

Monday
Breakfast-Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Tuesday
Breakfast: - Jen's porridge
Lunch - baked beans

Wednesday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Thursday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Brown beans

Friday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Saturday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch -?

Sunday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch -?

NOTICE!
[The pea soup and baked beans are homemade. I have soaked and cooked them up by myself. I drink cayenne coffee/ espressos and water during the whole day. (no milk, no sugar, only black and strong coffee or green Maté tea is allowed. I also take capsules 3 times/ day.I follow Jen's recipe of breakfast porridge, but I do it without adding sertain stuf which leads to only 65kcal. ]


Jen's recipe of breakfast porridge:
Link to her blog can be found at the bottom of this blog post

" I measure up exactly 19gram fiber oatmeal (barely 1/2dl), brand Gyllenhammar (small good meals). 65kcal

Then I pour on 2msk psylliumfrön. (The body can not absorb nutrients from these seeds without crossing the body without adding any calories. What they do is to help my stomach a bit. These seeds keep my stomach going!) 0kcal

Then I pour on cinnamon (I love cinnamon, it is what makes this whole porridge!), It also enhances the combustion. I then take the tiny salt on everything.

When everything is ready I put in 3dl water (This is much more water than you need for1dl meal). The grains and seeds are now about to stand and swell for a while. I usually stir in the grains and let it all soak for at least 30minutes.

When I get back all water i in the grains and seeds and then I put it on the plate at maximum power, let it boil (sometimes I need to add some more water), reduce the heat and let it simmer for 3-4 Minutes. Now it has become a very cohesive, rubbery mass of porridge. Just pour in a bowl!In that I pour 50 grams thawed raspberries (about 1dl) (from Garant 30kcal/100g) 15kcalAnd 1dl low-fat milk (yes it is enough long shot! "Porridge" is so coherent that all the milk on top and no milk "sucked into" the porridge as it normally does) 35kcal
The consistency of porridge, as I said very "coherent" and tough. There is swelling of psylliumseeds which meant that it formed a viscous mass. This means that I basically have to cut each spoonful of porridge I eat and this usually takes a very long time to eat. It is completely impossible to just ladle in itself because it is so tough.For this I drink a good cup of green vanilla tea and the day gets a kickstart!
It takes at least half an hour to eat my breakfast and I'll be gorged even though it only is made in less than 1/2dl oatmeal and 2msk psylliumseeds. This is a large and crowded plate of porridge. Ultimate breakfast in my opinion. Cinnamon and raspberries make it taste like candy!
Total with pudding, raspberries and milk: 115kcal!"

[To visit Jen's blog or to get the recipe in swedish click here! ]