What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

Spirulina and Hemp powder

So, Spirulina and hemp!

I ingest Spirulina as a powder, mixed in hummus, pesto, smoothies, and salads. It tastes nothing, it is dark green and according to some it’s over hyped and others it’s awesome. 

I think it is probably something in between. Can’t be bad for your body, and there’s probably better miracle products, like hemp powder.

Both Spirulina and hemp are high in protein but only the hemp protein can be absorbed by our human body, Spirulina can too but in such a small dose.

But Spirulina is high in in other stuff that I think my body need. So for now Spirulina, bluberry green tea and pumpkinseeds.

I’m vegan and refuse to eat all that processed vegan food. It’s a shame I think, that vegans eat all that fake meat when there’s so much fresh greens and creativity just waiting to be used. 

Worst of all, soy fake meat, so processed. Yuck!

Today is cleaning day, of the entire house. Better get started so I have the evening at liberty.

Want to read more about Spirulina? click here

C'mon!

For real, life is pissin on me. I'm starting to feel bad again.
I'm not hungry, but I'm tierd and low in bloodsugar.
Fuck it, feels like only reason I'm still here is because I'm to afraid of hurting
my family and friends and... because I'm to much of a coward to not be here.
And you readers, not judging me... or are you? I don't know anything, and I don't know why you read my blog?

In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0
tomato 20

Out:
Autoburn 1500
Job/ Work 1697

Total:  - 3079 kcal

wheight loss?

Morning

[notice]Work 1a.m.-8p.m. som I'll give you a better post in the evening, after work.

Woke up at 9, running around the house. Chatting with mom and dad about everything.
I stod up on the scale this morning, no change still 57 kg.
But that's okey, because last time I wheighed myself I had have laxatives and super starvation. This time, non of it.

No I've just had something to eat so I'm able to work without fainting or something like that. I'll work for 7h today, on the floor.

-So far:
In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0

Out:

Total:

I crashed at bash

Hey peepz!

theese last two days has been busy. Yesterday I was at my cousins place, she was throwing a party. So much people came, it was so much fun.
But, so much focus on food that I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus. And that resulted in me going to bed at 1 p.m. There was about 50 persons running around outside the door (her house is hughe) but I had a 1.20m -bed for myself and the pill made be crash even if it was bash outside.

Woke up at 10 a.m. started to clean the house and garden. Drove home to my place, changed clothes and headed of to work. And.... now I'm home.

Yesterday I had loads of strawberries (like 2L) and I had lettuce and potato-pie about 150g, max. (potato, ginger, dill, chives, tomato, cucumber. pressed together and grilled in the oven). And, well so much food... as I said 'I had to take a calming pill to not make a circus'. And You do the math, because I won't.

Today, I've had;

In:
Porrige 65
Lettuce 40
Coffee 0
=105 kcal

Out:
Autoburn: 1500
Exercice/ work: 1474
=2974 kcal

Total: -2869 kcal

At rest burns about 1500 kcal / day... more info

My work - model. Through agencies I get booked, for what ever the clients want. (I don't do fur or Gaga meat-dress-ish). And I have a second job too, waitress... and that's where I've been now this evening.

Holy virgin mother Mary and her son jesus christ and everyone else! Overbooked, full house! Running around for 5½ h, the sweat was dripping from my forehead, (for real). But I made it, and that's a work out according to me... (if you don't belive me... try it out and you'll change your mind) My whole body aches, like I've been at a full bodypump session.

I still haven't had any food more than the tomato and apple. So I'll do a quick calc. of in/out kcal/ today.
And today I'll acctually star adding normal/ by it self- kcal burn, which is [NOTICE!]: An adult at rest burns about 1500 kcal / day, normal activities, usually about 2000-3000 kcal / day. And witch (kcal) food I rounding up and rounding down with (kcal) training. So I'll take the lowest (1500) even if I've been out earlier today, and I'll also add work tonight, which I counter up to -1546.


In: 72
Out: 3046

Total: -2974 kcal.

I feel good when I starve, it's not only about my head wants me to be thin. It's like a reward to feel emptiness. It's a self injury and it's opposit at the same time, I don't feel bad, thats one thing for sure. Let me starve and I'll give you a smile.

Bye for now readers, you make my day!

No depression but very much anorexia

Oki doki, what's cooking, nothing aye?

Been out all day, more work later at 5 p.m. Haven't felt any sickness today more then some gags when I eat or drink...

So todays food, I had 1 small green apple at 12 a.m. and a small tomato right now. But I'm calculating and it's better to count in big numbers (/100g) even if I eat less than 100g.

-I read that if you eat less than 1200 kcal/ day you lower your metabolism with 45% (?)

Apple/52 kcal and tomato/20 kcal
Total in: 72 kcal

Read my lips 20 kcal today

Evening mates!

Well, today. What about it...
Woke up at 8 a.m. but I really thought it was like 12 a.m... I had a horrible migrain and neck-/ backpain. And my face... well '-Whats up angio edema!' So swollen, crazy. But it got better during the day.

I don't feel very much different from taking the pills, more than that I'm really not feeling any kind of hunger not evet that my bloodsugar is low. So todays food, 1 tomato, which I had to eat because of the sickness-feeling by the pills. O, and I also had a double espresso (auto-machine-made = suckz! Hand-barrista-made= super awesome!)

I was feeling allright until 3 p.m. and then I felt panic-ish again and all the emotions started to show. So I'm thinking, maybe the dose is to less, maybe 50 mg isn't enough? But I'll give it a try, I've only been taking them for almost 3 days... patience!


During work today, I was shaking like a leaf in the wind. and my sight got all dizzy, it still is.
I think that if I read about the sideeffect of the medz I can 'check!' every single one of them more or less.
But this is way better than feel them feeligs I've had in the past year/s. Best of all, no more cravings... they're gone!

Sorry for late post, just got back from work.



Food diary:
1 tomato    20 kcal
1 doppio    (according too espresso house's list; 0 kcal)

In 20/ Out 1124

Total kcal:   - 1104 kcal

Is this how it is?

Is this for real?
Is it acctually working?

First of all, I'm blank... with irritation. But I'm not sad, not even when I try to be, (just to see if it's maybe some kind of placebo-effect). I don't feel a shit compared to the previous weekend and yesterday. But I still feel.. bad, sad.... but very neutral.

I had a baked potato today, with chopped tomato, corn, ginger, garlic and cucumber (2dl). Potato- a medium sized, but I didn't eat all of it. (only clean and pure products, no salt, pepper or oil) Now I'm thinking and calculating in my head, I can feel that there is something who's screaming inside but... well I'm like inside a baloon, I can see and hear what's happening on the other side, and that's all ... it's all very frustrating and wierd.

Ah, i don't know what I feel. ar least I'm not crying and gasping for breath anymore.

I feel like it's way too soon for any effect? I can also feel that this will bring me hell on earth but yet joy.
I hope it's worth it. I still have dark thougths though.

Effect- No more cravings

As you know I started with a new medicin last night, and one of the sideeffects is that you don't feel hunger or need for food. But I feel nauseous non stop. I have food together with the pills because otherwise I would feel even more sick.

Sideeffects shown so far:
Lowered ait, normaly I feel 'hate' against food, rage. But now I'm just not interesed in it. Feels awesome, though I have an enormous headache, migraine. But I don't feel much more than that I'm quite tirerd and thirsty. I feel sick on an of too I think that's the main reason to why I'm not eating, it will come up again... so let's not waste any food by throwing it up. Let's just leave the food... uncooked = nothing to eat. Thirsthy, as hell! And only water appeals to me, not even sugarfree/ unsweetned orangejuice appeal. Is this the beginning of the new era 'wond(era)full' (lame, but I'm deadly serious)

Drained of blood and sugarfree-sushi-fied

Hi y'all. I'm so sorry for not posting anything during the day!
But here's what I've been up too...

I'v been out all day. Started of in the morning with daddy taking me to the Doctor, where they drained me of blood. You have no idea! Needle in my arm and they just sucked it out, filled them tubes like they've only filled tubes with blood for a living their whole life.

Then we went to a bigger hospital for some other stuff. And then we went to a sushi bar. I had rice rolls, and avocado 8 peices.
Foor everbodys awareness; They have sugar in sushirice so be sure to ask them and have them to make you sugarfree, mayofree, vegetable avo/rice-rolls. Wasabi is also containing sugar... And I'm not sure about the soysauce, but it'd surprise me if there were no sugar in it. (I'm not eating soysauce anyhow)

Me and dad we went to the furnitureshop to pick up some stuff and then we headed back home. While at home I had my sushi, it was so nice and free from devilish ingredients. (This was my breakfast)

After that I streamed som movies at my computer and... crashed. Until now and now I'm going to bed. So exhausted!!!

I had my exam diploma sent over today. Happy graduation or something, this has been the worst year ever. Since end of July I've not had one day of 100% joy. At some point every single day since july 2010 I've been feeling that I would be better if I wasn't around or I'm not worth the struggle.
A friend of mine, her mom said something very touching earlier today when I mentioned that I was afraid nut yet exited about that I'm about to start going on cognitive behavioral therapy. She quoted a booktitle "You should '(...) live a life, not win a war' "

Now I had some prunes (dryed plums) for supper/ snacks.
And I'm so thirsty! (prob. from the sushi)

Anyway, I'm going to bed for some more nightmares... looking forward to it (being ironic). This life sucks, but there's people out there having it way worse than I. I were in India for 2 months, arrived back home in mid april. I'll never ever go back and I'll never ever forget what I saw ( wen't with my class, as a part of the course)

Goodnight readers, hope your day was better than mine! My day was not bad, it just, well let's say that the day did not get the proper justice it deserves.

Food diary:
Sugar and Mayo-free Sushi - 8 pieces.
50 g dryed plums

It's been a bad day please don't take a picture

My belly is hurting so much. It's like someone is pulling my stomach inside out.
I've got angioedema during the night and it hurts so much, such a disgusting feeling. It has shrunk down a bit now... but my right hand was hughe, my feets were like globes and my face was dry, itchy and swollen.
Probably got it from the medicin I recived to treat candida, which I got from something which I got from something which I got from anorexia... But I don't know, might be something else likewise.

I was very sad during the night, even my dreams are sad and depressed (I'm melancholic in my dreams) When I awoke, I was very sad, upset and very disturbed over that I forgot to turn off the computer which was located beside my head on the table. So that my computer injected radiation, heat and electricity in me throughout all the night. I hate heat, I want to freeze, shake out of cold. What I do-when I hate myself the most, because it's a like a bitter-sweet feeling which comes over me, I take this really really cold shower to punish myself or just to avoid other stuf I do not want to do.

[woow, I almost fainted and now I have theese red rashes on my body, like hives, but Candia-fied. Now I'm okey again.]

To eat I've had the 65kcal porridge and a capsule. I'll make myself some coffe soon. But first watcj a movie, or re--watch Hungover I, so that I can be all in focus on Hungover II.

[AH! it happens again, all black infront of my eyes and I see stars, feel like vomiting, nasty]

Got to go before I puke al over my computer.

New menu and thoughts around/ about suicide

Well... I have during the day been thinking of those beans and peas.
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.

Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.

I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...

I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.

I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?

I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!

Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?

food diary today

Porridge 65 kcal
Carrot    31 kcal

Total:    96 kcal

Which means that I can have some more to eat without feeling bad (or yes I will and I'll hold myself to not eating more as long as possible). But absolutely not over 200 kcal/ day. I've been starving between 3pm yesterday to 9am today.. and then I've had what can be read above. So I probably should have something.
I'll have another porrige... yepp.

It's a new day - it's a new dawn - it's a new life

Hey everyone.

Sorry for last day, but I made it through.
This night has been the worst in a long time, barely any sleep just rolling around in bed.

But what made me stay in bed and not go up was that I need sleep and rest so that I won't get another attack today.
Is someone taking lithium, I say to my PhD and the others involved that I don't want it, but maybe I should take it after all? Whaat do you think, what do you know or feel about lithium. I'm scared of it, I don't want to lose myself to something like 'being normal' or being ... 'nothing', blank.

I feel that my manic and depressive trend, behavior, my personality is everything I got. Who am I without it?


Anyhoooow...
I woke up, had my capsules.
I called my doctor, because they've send me some papers. I'm going on a routinecheck at some point in this up coming 2 weeks. Check this out: I'm going to the doctor for routine check to check my values​​. So many, always an entire list. The list this time:
Urine, blood gas, Hormones, ferritin, Medicines, cortisol (cobalamin Fotal), Cardiac Markers, Homocyestin, P-glucose, THS T3 T4, Coagulation, PSA, hematology, hemoglobin A1c, General Chemistry, Folat/Li/S100/Vank, Calciumjon, CDT , PK, Basic Chemistry, IgG / Hapto / Oroso, Basöverskott, Zinc, ACTH, Tacrolimus, Cyclosporin, Glucose

After my chat with Mr PhD, I was about to eat my food witch I prepared last night.
Oatmeals (½dl) and 2 tablespoons of psylliumseeds soaking in 3dl water over night in the fridge. I added 2 more dl of water (let it soak for 15 more minutes) and cooked it on low (3) in 25 minutes... It took me about... a bit more than 1 hour to eat this and I'm sooooo stuffed! I'm full (hate being full) So tomorrows breakfast will be less than this one I think.

Kcal for this breakfast I had along with a caynenne/ cinnamon-coffee (with 2 teaspoons of cayenne powder and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon mixed in the coffee powder) is a total of 65 kcal. It's like... I can eat this 3times a day and it will be only 195 kcal (!) less than 200. But I need variaty. So it's good for just breakfast. Dinner I don't have (I only eat like 2 times a day) And never ever after 6 p.m.

Cheers mate (taking a sipp of my cayenne/ cinnamon- coffee. -yummy!
Love you, thank's for your support!

This week's preliminary anorexia-menu

Monday
Breakfast-Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Tuesday
Breakfast: - Jen's porridge
Lunch - baked beans

Wednesday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Thursday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Brown beans

Friday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch - Pea soup

Saturday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch -?

Sunday
Breakfast - Jen's porridge
Lunch -?

NOTICE!
[The pea soup and baked beans are homemade. I have soaked and cooked them up by myself. I drink cayenne coffee/ espressos and water during the whole day. (no milk, no sugar, only black and strong coffee or green Maté tea is allowed. I also take capsules 3 times/ day.I follow Jen's recipe of breakfast porridge, but I do it without adding sertain stuf which leads to only 65kcal. ]


Jen's recipe of breakfast porridge:
Link to her blog can be found at the bottom of this blog post

" I measure up exactly 19gram fiber oatmeal (barely 1/2dl), brand Gyllenhammar (small good meals). 65kcal

Then I pour on 2msk psylliumfrön. (The body can not absorb nutrients from these seeds without crossing the body without adding any calories. What they do is to help my stomach a bit. These seeds keep my stomach going!) 0kcal

Then I pour on cinnamon (I love cinnamon, it is what makes this whole porridge!), It also enhances the combustion. I then take the tiny salt on everything.

When everything is ready I put in 3dl water (This is much more water than you need for1dl meal). The grains and seeds are now about to stand and swell for a while. I usually stir in the grains and let it all soak for at least 30minutes.

When I get back all water i in the grains and seeds and then I put it on the plate at maximum power, let it boil (sometimes I need to add some more water), reduce the heat and let it simmer for 3-4 Minutes. Now it has become a very cohesive, rubbery mass of porridge. Just pour in a bowl!In that I pour 50 grams thawed raspberries (about 1dl) (from Garant 30kcal/100g) 15kcalAnd 1dl low-fat milk (yes it is enough long shot! "Porridge" is so coherent that all the milk on top and no milk "sucked into" the porridge as it normally does) 35kcal
The consistency of porridge, as I said very "coherent" and tough. There is swelling of psylliumseeds which meant that it formed a viscous mass. This means that I basically have to cut each spoonful of porridge I eat and this usually takes a very long time to eat. It is completely impossible to just ladle in itself because it is so tough.For this I drink a good cup of green vanilla tea and the day gets a kickstart!
It takes at least half an hour to eat my breakfast and I'll be gorged even though it only is made in less than 1/2dl oatmeal and 2msk psylliumseeds. This is a large and crowded plate of porridge. Ultimate breakfast in my opinion. Cinnamon and raspberries make it taste like candy!
Total with pudding, raspberries and milk: 115kcal!"

[To visit Jen's blog or to get the recipe in swedish click here! ]