confession and promise

Good morning!

I'm a lousy eater when I'm home alone. I never eat when I'm alone. That's why I always gets even more sick than regular, when I'm on holiday or living alone or... like now, just home alone. Plain and simple, anorexia takes over when I'm alone and I am like butter in sunshine, I stand no chance against anorexia at that point.
Bad bad bad, but from another angle and perspective I'm proud of myself, no Ana is proud of me. I hate it, I don't want to be sick anymore.
I asked my boyfriend S, if he could say only one, one day I've been healthy without any disease since we met 4½ months ago. His answer were, "I really can't, no I can't". Pathetic!
But some days ago, I made myself and S a promise. I'll never ever be sick again, accept for relapse out of anorexia, because that I cant help. But colds and kidney-inflammations and ulcer and shit. I think I can manage to stay well without them coming back.
Because, how I feel right now is painful. My ulcer hurts 24/7 from the antibiotics and other medicines likewise.

So from today it is official, I'll never ever get sick again, or at least I'll do my best to stay healthy and well! If not for me, it's for S and my friends and family... and our economy, oh my lard! It's expensive to be sick.
And I really need a bike! S got one, but I don't and I would love to go out and bicycle with him, and our dog at some times.

Yesterday I saw a interview on TV, a woman in her 30's who have written a book. She started out with depressions and anorexia in her early teens. She go sent from one clinic to another and got a messy and beyond all limits, shitty treatment. Not until she got old, adult, she got the right diagnose... Borderline.
Her story was so close to mine, like how my story is right now.
She read from her book, and every word was like a million knifes thrown straight into my heart. That's exactly how I feel, I felt.
And her thoughts and words about her boyfriend always supporting her and being there for her. Even if she was mean and sick, he stood strong by her side, always. He did it out of love and gratitude for she being the one who held his pieces and his life together. It's like a beautiful, perfect match. And that is how I feel about S. I really really love him, and I'm so grateful for having him in my life.

Bye for now!