What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

C'mon!

For real, life is pissin on me. I'm starting to feel bad again.
I'm not hungry, but I'm tierd and low in bloodsugar.
Fuck it, feels like only reason I'm still here is because I'm to afraid of hurting
my family and friends and... because I'm to much of a coward to not be here.
And you readers, not judging me... or are you? I don't know anything, and I don't know why you read my blog?

In:
potato + tomato 98
coffee 0
tomato 20

Out:
Autoburn 1500
Job/ Work 1697

Total:  - 3079 kcal

Read my lips 20 kcal today

Evening mates!

Well, today. What about it...
Woke up at 8 a.m. but I really thought it was like 12 a.m... I had a horrible migrain and neck-/ backpain. And my face... well '-Whats up angio edema!' So swollen, crazy. But it got better during the day.

I don't feel very much different from taking the pills, more than that I'm really not feeling any kind of hunger not evet that my bloodsugar is low. So todays food, 1 tomato, which I had to eat because of the sickness-feeling by the pills. O, and I also had a double espresso (auto-machine-made = suckz! Hand-barrista-made= super awesome!)

I was feeling allright until 3 p.m. and then I felt panic-ish again and all the emotions started to show. So I'm thinking, maybe the dose is to less, maybe 50 mg isn't enough? But I'll give it a try, I've only been taking them for almost 3 days... patience!


During work today, I was shaking like a leaf in the wind. and my sight got all dizzy, it still is.
I think that if I read about the sideeffect of the medz I can 'check!' every single one of them more or less.
But this is way better than feel them feeligs I've had in the past year/s. Best of all, no more cravings... they're gone!

Sorry for late post, just got back from work.



Food diary:
1 tomato    20 kcal
1 doppio    (according too espresso house's list; 0 kcal)

In 20/ Out 1124

Total kcal:   - 1104 kcal

Effect- No more cravings

As you know I started with a new medicin last night, and one of the sideeffects is that you don't feel hunger or need for food. But I feel nauseous non stop. I have food together with the pills because otherwise I would feel even more sick.

Sideeffects shown so far:
Lowered ait, normaly I feel 'hate' against food, rage. But now I'm just not interesed in it. Feels awesome, though I have an enormous headache, migraine. But I don't feel much more than that I'm quite tirerd and thirsty. I feel sick on an of too I think that's the main reason to why I'm not eating, it will come up again... so let's not waste any food by throwing it up. Let's just leave the food... uncooked = nothing to eat. Thirsthy, as hell! And only water appeals to me, not even sugarfree/ unsweetned orangejuice appeal. Is this the beginning of the new era 'wond(era)full' (lame, but I'm deadly serious)

Knock out

After those hysterical days I was so so tired, as I wrote yesterday.
But who in the world could have imagine that I would sleep for 16h (!) I never sleep. But I don't mind. I feel sick, woke up this night and I was 1 minute away from vomiting, but I didn't.
I guess, if you need medicine they hit you on the right spot? But then gets weaker and weaker/ less effect?

Well, I need help to get a balanced life. You know, there's no strength left to battle my illnesses.

So this Is my first 24h day with new medicine (yesterday ½day) Let's see how it works, can't really tell any different so far... nope. Seems to be like normal but with backpain from the bed hours.

I would be glad if you who read my blog, now in those coming weeks will tell me if you notice any different in my writing and ye, less unhappy-ish.

Ok, I'm home again

Hi there strangers

It's been a few hectic and heavy days. I've been in and out at hospitals and now I have a new medicine and more calming pills. My dad is my hero, he stod/ stand by my side always.
I'm also about to change clinic now, from one district to another. We've moved so, it's for the best... I hope.
Anyhow I had more Atarax 25 mg 2pills/3 times a day and This new one Sertralin Bluefish 50 mg 1pill /day. And later on twe will see if I maybe will change to topimax or/ and voxra. I had a tips about those and I told my doctor about them and they said that they will overlook it and talk about it but right now let's have this one.

I'm so tired and have no strength left. Might be time for coffee, maybe...