What happend?

Every little problem become hughe!

I lose focus and perception of reality. As soon as something not goes according to my plans my world collapse. I began to breathe heavily and irregularly...(I don't know if it's 2 hours ago or maybe 40 minutes ago?)  Now I'm almost apathetic, can't barely write properly or write at all. Lose words and get nervous twitching of the body's muscles. I'm drained of energy... I hate my life.

This is what happend:
I feel sick, my eyes and head is spinning ... Where am I? I would never in the world able to put my finger on the map and point to where I am. Looking on the internet and the timetables for bus trips and train trips, flights, bike paths ... hell, I can't do this, fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Walking around nervously, shaking and twisting my hands in panic...screaming and crying. Job at 4 o'clock, can't do it and then I "fainted", fell to the ground, woke up. I reached for my phone and called mom ... and once again, I messed up for my family. Mom have to come home from work to help me and then drive me to a bus/train to work.

I'm so sorry, I really need help, I need some meds or sick leave or get sick pay because I can't work, not study, nothing! I am so angry at everyone and everything! And so damn sick of myself ... anorexia screaming out rage - "Get up you stupid fuck, move it, snort, do drugs, do what the hell is needed to be slimmer now, go vomit, you are disgusting! Starve idiot starve, move idiot move" ... but my body can't move, I'm so depressed that... Where's all the joy? I want drugs again, drugs saved my life before... But I can't because of my liver and kidney. I can't move myself, everything is just getting worse and worse.

Fuck you anorexia... FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, but I love you even more.