Well... I have during the day been thinking of those beans and peas.
I can't take it. so I 'll have Porrige for breakfast and a carrot/ tomato or fruit for lunch. And thats it.
It's freaking disgusting to look at the food, the beans and the pea soup, uhhuhu.
I'll try to put my ass on my bike tomorrow and go to a new doctor (private housedoctor), just to take some tests. But probably not... right now, I feel like crap. And I can't really visualize myself pulling myself together tomorrow bikeing 10 km... nope... Not for that reason anyway.
Always at morning and night my life is w o r t h l e s s. I'm "ok" at lunch or right before lunch, then my life sucks again. Isn't it fantastic. Let's put it this way; When you have (normal person), when you have a bad day, well thats how I feel when I have areally good day. So imagine that, I never feel that kind of happiness you feel, and if I'm pretty close to it sometimes it lasts for just afew minutes and then it's gone and I'm worse than ever again. Even lower than I was before the joyride.
I always (a few times a day--- like 15 times a day / ) wonder how I do to still be alive, not concidered to commit suicide or something because there is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me want to stay, there is nothing here for me, but yet I'm here... I'm here, alive... to scared and to big of a coward to kill myself...
I wonder at what time at day I would kill myself if I would. Morning? - No because I would convince myself that I would make a change during the day. So Lunch then? - Nope. I like lunchtime, it's the time at day when I feel quite good. So what about evening? - Maybe, like now?... Naa, I don't know. I'll probably kill myself at night, or maybe it wouldn't even be neccesary, feels like I'm gonna die in my sleep anyhow.
I'm not gonna kill myself... it's just not my persona to do that, but thats the worst part. I'm stuck here, as a dump of shit with maggots eating me from inside and dogs eating me.
This sucks, and I know thata few close friends to me are reading this, and I'm sorry for you to read this. But I told you that I will be 100% honest here. This is me... Not really what you imagine when you first got to know me aye?
I had loads of readers today from all over the world, my blog seems to be a hit (!?)
My back hurts against the chair... my spine is piercing the wooden chair, light flashes infront of my eyes. I feel sick... panic attack will come, in abouuuut let's say 20 minutes. So I should probably get going and make myself comfy instead. And maybe prevent the attack or atleast be in bed while "dying a bit inside" and crash at a comfortable place (my bed) instead of yesterdays superduper-hit (the floor)... superfail!
Talk to you tomorrow morning, see you at 9-10 am maybe?
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