This is bad, really bad

I'm lying in my mom and dads bed, mom is to my left and dad is soon to be on my right side.
We've had a "talk" today...

 In the morning dad is taking me to the hospital for some stronger medication and on monday we will go to the anorexia clinic to see my persoal doctor. And find new ways because this isn't working, it's not sustainable.

The "talk"- Well, we went to a restaurant, I had fried vegetables and lettuce. On our way home we were walking down at the beachside.
I felt like I was a danger to myself and others- I wanted to break something, cry, scream... anything I couldn't handle it anymore I couldn't handle myself anymore... I asked for to walk alone. I needed to be for myself for a while. When I finally were left alone I screamed my lungs ou, and cried my eyes out. punshing the sand, twisting my fingers and hands in frustration and panic, What! Why? Who am I? What the fuck is happening, I'm hallucinatig! I see stuff, Am I turning schitzo? I'm sick I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to take care of me. Is this what I wished for 12 years ago? When me and Emma compared our wheights on that scale outside the lunch/ cafeteria? (idiots, a scale outside the foodcourt where 10 year olds eat? what the hell were they thinking?) Is this what I wished for when I only had lettuce for lunch for one year? when I woke up at 6 and started to walk/run and do gymnastics for hours? ... I fell down on my knees.. the ground was cold, wet and soft,  I love the forrest... I layed down, I couldn't breath, I was shaking out of my panic attack. But I found enough strength to get on my feets and go home... and then mom and dad looked at me and said.. "okey, let's have a talk" ...

Dad said, "Tomorrow I'll take you to the PhD, we'll get through this. But why didn't you listen to me and mom when we told you to be carefull, you have been playing with fire and now the fire is to big to control, but we'll get trough this love, we will"

I told my patents that I've or my mind have been sliding in on sucide and self-injury kind of thoughts. And that I soon enough won't see any point with staying here anymore. I hit myself in my face today, 4 times, with my fist, as hard as I could... it still hurts. And I had a 10 minutes long ice-shower. Nothing helped today, I'm worse than ever. I need medicine, I need help... Help that wont lead to me loosing grip of anorexia, because I need to control "it"/ "her". I need to live a life, not fight and win a war... life's to short to spend on stupid shit like battle anorexia, I might as well lve with it... and then die with it.

I'm so sorry...
I feel sorry for every person who is around me, but I'll never feel sorry for myself.
I'm the biggest jerk ever, so stupid, so wierd... fucking retard.
Hmm... the sweet and beautiful smalltown girl, girl next door, who became a model aned up as a psycho... WHAT A CLICHÉ! Pff... fuck it, I'm out.

I'll update you asap after my appointmentz.