We have not gone shooting yet,
but I did get motion sickness earlier than expected … on a swing on a children’s
playground. Me and S were out walking the dog. Passed a playground and had to
try it, can’t remember last time I was doing this. And I really enjoyed it, until
I got sick.
I really needed it because
yesterday, she came back… Ana… fucked me real hard. Relapse is a fact having
Borderline. I fucked it up, again.
I cried myself to sleep, got
mad at our dog, angry with myself. Every muscle hurts today out of tensions, so
much anxiety and anxiety still hurts in its own way.
Yesterday I wished I had benzo
and a ball blanket. Thoughts of hurting myself, dying, starving, self-hate, self-disgrace.
I feel terrible.
In situations like this, no
one understands. And I’m cut off from reality. I’m quiet, introverted and
withdrawn and inside of me… chaos.
I hate myself… I wish today
never existed. Please fast forward.
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