Christmas and anorexia

Hi it’s been a while.

I’ve been home at my parents place during Christmas. Now I’m back home. I’m proud, I have during all those days since I left, been able to manage my eating, no binge eating or starving. 

Something went in my mouth 3 times a day. I made it, and I have lost weight, that’s not good but I eat, and I eat good stuff. Ecological, clean products. Yesterday I even had some falafel balls for dinner, not a good food, but I takes some guts to eat that as an anorectic eating disordered person.

Now I’m drinking my coffe as the coffee junkie I am. S is in bed, as usual.

Apart from me being proud I have the worst anxiety ever, I have so much suicide thoughts. I don’t want to kill myself but it’s like my brain is telling me to do it 24/7. Every morning I have enormous anxiety attacks.

Yesterday we watched ‘Inglorious bastards’, not the Brad Pitt version, the one from 1978 I think it is. Movies about violence and killing because it’s fun makes me calm, it’s fucked up. I had the same feeling inside me when I watched ‘Romper stomper’… It doesn’t matter who the bad/ good guys are it’s the violence and fist fighting I’m after. Like in ‘Fight club’ – it’s the same there. It’s like an outflow.

I’m not pro violence but I am a violence romanticist.

Need to wash my hair, old hair spray is itchy.