It’s just nonsense!

I have been out several times today. I’m proud of myself… but I don’t get it, it’s just want I want me to say. Actually I feel like crap, my heart I rushing, my stomach hurts and anxiety is all over me.  But I did it. I was out one time in the morning, two times (a long time count as two if you manage to be on two different places but yet in one half long half short time) at lunch and now one, at night.  I’m lucky having our dog. Otherwise I’d probably stayed inside.

I’m depressed and as predictable as a candle in the wind… Pfffhuu, lights out!

Light me up with pills and I’ll be fiery and good to go. No, I don’t want my medicine anymore, I really don’t, but without it I’m… well let’s say at this time I wouldn't have much of a life left to live then. I hate to say it... The pills are working, but they do only block impulses and symptom of my issues, not the depression, not the anorexia or eating disorders. I don’t have cravings any more. I guess it’s a blocked impulse.

I get quite much sleep nowadays, at night. But I always feel burned out. And today I got stuck in a thought. I was playing with my engagement ring with my fingers and I dropped it on the floor. I immediately got scared and paranoid of me causing danger to S, maybe he falls down from the stage he’s working on, just because I dropped my ring, BY ACCIDENT! And I made such a big deal out of it. 

It took me about an hour to calm down and think of something else, and then I explained to myself;  it’s just nonsense.  And S is fine, first he didn't answer my totally freaky text (crazy girlfriend) but then he did, and he was all fine. His voice calms me down. And confirms I'm delusional.

I’m actually a really good person, I've kept on hearing that since I was a child. And friends said/say I’m such a good friend and “what would I do without you”, "BFF" and other friendly words. But I don’t know, where are all those friends now? 

Now, when I need them… not here.

I've been too naive, end of story.