Help?

It’s 10 at night. I have the most horrible obsessive thoughts. 

A friend just came over and was here with me at its worse. Now they've left... I said I was fine. But I guess I'm not. I can’t understand how my mind, everything could be this distorted. I push people away but I at the same time yell for help!?

One thing I believe, or want to believe is that this isn't real. What’s going on in my head is just in my head. But this anxiety and the physical and mental pain, I can’t stand it. And S is away on a meeting and now there’s no one here… well me and our dog, he is so nice. He really watches me and make sure I’m not alone or cold. Inside I’m safe, outside is terrifying. And S is out there. But me being alone, it's not very safe.

This might be one of the bad posts I've done and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could be stronger. But I also need to remember this.

I have billions of thoughts rushing around in my head but yet not a single one I can hold on to. It’s like when you spin a color swirl, you know there is all the colors of a rainbow, they are all there but you only see white, when it is spinning fast enough.

I think writing is the only way to channel my anxiety and obsessive thoughts in shape of thick black oil spill inside of me, like I’m polluted. Contaminated. Eating me from the inside, it makes me hallucinate. Nothing is real anymore, everything is just a freaking freak show. 

I want to come out of this, I want to come back home. Where it is safe and wonderful, where I can just lay down and rest… Because I’m tired of being in this black hole, swallowing me more and more day by day.