Death

I’m up early as usual and I’m not sorry for a late post. S has now left for a tour and will be away for almost two weeks. I’ve spend as much time with him as I could, quality time – no blog.

But now, I’m alone. I’m sitting here, drinking my coffee cup after cup and blogging about my miserable life. I think I’m suffering from defeatism.  No... I'm depressed. It’s really hard to be optimistic in this situation, really tough.  It feels a bit better than earlier this summer when S was away just as long as this time. At this condition everything is hard, even brushing my teeth.

I have a problem with people leaving me. Big time! That’s one of the things me and Wivian talks about at our sessions. I don’t know why. But if I think about it I’ve always been afraid of losing my loved ones. My dad was a firefighter, and every time his alarm went off and he ran out of the house, and drove off… I felt so sad and afraid. And people around me at one time just died, with very short time between. Death is everywhere, and is my main problem I think. I’m constantly thinking about it in every kind of way you can imagine. Even in my dreams, and every night I at least 2-3 times I gasp for breath right when I’m about to fall asleep. Feels Like someone strangles me… I just stop breathing.

I’m a bit less down than usual. But I’m bad with my medicines. Maybe I'll get better on them now when I’m alone and I have to take responsibility of myself, by myself. Morning – take medicine, midday – do something, before bedtime – take medicine. Not hard, but yet it is.

Need more coffee.  I’m out of oat milk, poor stomach.

Our dog (G), is sleeping in our big bed now. We’ve snuggled all night and now he’s all over the bed, alone. One spoiled dog.  I’ll wake him up now, time to go out for a walk. I’m lucky having him, he makes the outdoors happen. Otherwise I’d sit inside a rot.

I’ll be better on posting, promise.