Hey, it’s
early morning. S just left for work, me and our dog… we are still in bed. The
reason why I’m a terrible lazy blogger is because I really try to live my life
in the “real world” which is hard, but I try my best. Ofc this blog is the real
deal, but I caught myself a several times being stuck in my post and thoughts.
Almost like mini psychoses. And it scares me.
I’m always afraid
of losing something or someone. Not even when I try my very best to not too, I
still imagine the worst to happen. And that goes with everything…
I am afraid
of gaining weight, terrified, absolutely terrified! But I don’t star myself
anymore. Except for some days when everything is really hard to handle. Anyhow,
starving and laxatives… they are really tempting, still got both drops and
pills. But as in most pills or actually almost everything human made, there’s
sugar in it, lactose, soy or some other stuff I can’t take. I don’t eat gluten,
sugar, soy products/soybeans and yeast. And I have to read on everything at the
food store. It’s a tough allergenic combo I have here. But now after a bit more
than a year after I had this looked up. I feel quite good actually, inside. And
my belly is flat, no more balloon!
I eat once
or twice a day, quite normal portions. It’s really hard mentally, but I do it.
I walk almost every day, some days I’m too afraid of everything and then I stay
inside, looking out through our windows.
It’s more
or less anxiety day to day. Nights are worst, when I can’t control myself. The
medicines are making me split in two pieces. One half is the anorexia part of
me and the other part is the “healthy” part of me… And that leaves a grey zone in the middle, and
that’s where my mind is, struggling with anxiety.
I secretly
exercise, quite often.
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