Part one - catch up

Hey.
So this is what's going on:
I'm bad, sad and frustrated. In love, crazy in love. But I'm sick. And no one seem to be able to help me except... me!
S (my partner and fiancé) have a friend, this really close kind of friends you know. This friend is sick, with post-traumatic stress (PTSD). And have been for a while, a long time. He is now a friend of mine too, but not like S and the other close friends of their little gang.
They are beautiful and awesome guys, punx with hearts. Their friends is their true family. They are family.
The only time I feel free from my problems is when S feels down or cries. Instinctively I immediately start to hold him close and caress his cheek and hair. I kiss his eyelids and I pray to what ever is listening for help and strength.
Just now, J called me. He is one of the guys in this gang a wrote about. He and the other friends of theirs  is up north, but he recived a sms this morning when i turned on his phone. From P, this friend who's sick witch ptsd, saying he needs them. He needs his friends now. more then ever. P's girlfriend broke up with him a week ago. She couldn't handle it anymore, I don't blame her. No one does. Who would ever like to be with any like P... or me. Me? Yes, that's the bitter truth, how can anyone ever want to hang out with me or spend any kind of time with me. I doubt myself so so much and I feel so lost and doubtful... I... -WHY IS THAT!?!?!
What the fuck is my problem? Why do i feel like this. Why am I afraid of meeting people, afraid of go outside, constantly afraid of loosing the most important people in my life? 
I need to make achange, I need to make up my mind, cus this ain't working no more.

I mean, J called me after he just spoke to S on the phone. J is S's best friend. And J asked me how I feel, if I am OK and he said he'll come visit me when he gets back from their trip up north. I feel gratefull, but there's like... kind of a wall a great wall who stops my true happiness from getting all the way trough my black dirty, soaked with bad shit-soul. I want to rip, tear and wreck this wall down. 
I'm fucking done with this being depressed and mentally ill it's fucking boring and it kills me, for real it kills me. This illness is taking my life from me, a life I want to live. 
And even if P's illnes is different from mine I can empathize with him and understand what he actually mean. I understand his resignation and his frustration, he fucking gets to me, under my skin. I feel safe in his presence... I feel understood... or maybe I just feel, less alone and in some kind of way free?


You see, you google pro ana/ mia, thinspo and anorexia because their is no one to talk to about it, so you go fishing on the internet. And BAAM! you find a blog about anorexia and e.d.'s and you connect with those people, because they are people. Just imagine to acctually find this person in real life the one who is just as fucked up in the brain as you are. It's relaxing - I'll tell you. It's like a heavy stone in your chest just disappear for a while, and if just for a while - please enjoy it, be in this short moment of hamony of two major fuck ups brains connecting. 


I can be myself again, I'm not lost forever just because I've been gone for a while... some years ye ye, it's a long time... Wouldn't it be nice with a come back then aye?! Only I can do this and I'm not alone. I need to get that. I am NOT alone in this I have my friends who is my family. 
I will do what I can and and even more to get a bit better, not cured cus that will probably never happen, but well at least. Happy at least. I have so much inside who screams and crawling inside of me and begging to get out. So pleas don't be hard on me if wierd post a showing, ignore them or read them. I just have to write it down.