honesty first

Hi. It's been a while, again...
Iv'e been doing quite good. Though I've lost 5 kilos. I have been without a scale for a few months, feels good. But my imagination keep tricking me in to thinking I'm fat one day and the other not.
Anyhow, I've moved back south with S and our dog. And I acctuallt have decided to get better, not well (if that's possible) but better.
The ortorexia is under control I would say, but the smart peepz at the hospital says otherwise.
My orthorexia, the control needs and OCD-like behaviour is way out of control. So I'm now willing to get help for theis, to accept the help I get offered.
Probably not for my own sake, but for S's, my family and friends.... if I have any left. Some I've just stoped talking to because they do me no good and some proved being no friends at all. 


I eat, but the worst part is before and after, it's like I'm shutting down at the time I'm eating, like I'm protecting myself from the kaos that used to show during eating.


I am very fortunate to have a person who can support and complement me as my fiance S do. I've been without him for 8days now, the longest days in my life, I've a had a few attacks during those days but his mom has helped out a lot and now I'm at my parents home. I'm not strong or stabel enogh to be on my own. 
I'm afraid of myself, of others, of dying, of hurting myself, of killing/hurting others. But most of all, I am afraid of hurting the person I love the most. To loose the only one that understands me and belive in me day out and night in. It will not happen, but still I'm so worried about it.


I'm strong, stronger then I think. And everybody says so. I want to get well. 
And everything in life is far more better and beautiful then what I see it as. I look at pictures of myself and S and I can see myself smile and my eyes just simply sparkles like the milkyway. I'm in love, and I got life inside of me, I just need to fint the opening, so I can let it out. The's so much more for me in this world, in this life then being a fuck up who can't eat and have to work out my ass of. 


I listen to Rise Against and KISS, to get motivation. It helps. Kiss - fo self esteem and Rise Against for understanding that ther's bigger problem going on in the world. 
I hope all my readers out there are doing good. And at least trying to get better, because after all those years I feel like I'v lost a part of my life for no good cause. More than maybe I can educate and make others not go the same road I walked. I now work as a model scout a a international agency (hughe), I'm not telling you whick, but it got focus on dietism and training-education 4times a year for all the new faces. And They are nice and have a healthy way of treating their models. 
I've just got back from a run, and now me and mom are going to the shore for a swim in the ocean. 


Love from me to you. I belive in you! AND myself! BE STRONG, chin up, so the sun can kiss your face!