I used to paint my nails before, when I felt that binge was on its way.
When I started to search the whole kitchen, opened every locker and stared blank into the refrigerator without never really understand why I did it (still does it), I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry, but my body-mind is somewhere else, while my brain-mind is with me and the anorexia.
(Wonder if that's something that counts as self-injurious behavior?)
Then I stare at myself, in a fullbody mirror and gets the motivation to not burst or to break down. (As I tend to do a few times a week, lately.) Everything that I would make doctors, family and friends to please ... 5kg, do you understand? I have gained 5 kg. Disgusting!
But a small strengtning light in that horrible 5kg-darkness is that those kilos will disappear quite quickly, this morning it was already minus 1 kg. So now it's "just" 4kilo left (4 whole damn kg). But overall, I would like to lose 10 kg during this summer.
Just as another person enjoying a divine vegan dinner, that's as much I enjoy to lose weight and not eating. Do not call me sick and malnourished, or else I'll call you fucking Mount Fat as fuck, you fat bastard. And I'll never talk to you again. Because you know of my situation so let me be who I am and always been. I concider that's a deal not abel to break.
Now I'll take a shower, (not for me to get away food, but to my feet and legs are horribly dirty!) If any of my friends or acquaintances reads this, I apologize if I worry you. Spare me your voices and actions, this is my "thing". Now I've busted myself, several times, taking showers instead ... long and hot showers, and then finishing by flushing my entire body in ice cold water until I can't breathe no more because it's so cold.
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