Popping pills

I’ve done it again.

Yesterday night I was out of medicines... again.

I didn’t know I was this bad. It made me realize that I’m still messed up without my medicines. 

It just eases my symptoms.

At night anxiety strikes it hardest.

Lately I have felt better in some weird way, but not fine, definitely not fine. I think it's the hope in me, yelling to myself - You will be fine!

But this night I realized, not that I didn't know it before, what a long road I still have to walk. And how far away “being happy and well” is, it’s sad. But at least I will survive, I think.

Me and E watched movies last night. Second time I tried to watch Dark Shadows with Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins, and falling asleep. I don’t see why, it also happened while watching Sweeney Todd. I really like Tim Burton’s movies. But I don’t know it seems like I happen to like the older films more than the new ones - Which doesn’t bother me!

S came home around 3, I was almost asleep, I was on stand-by. I recall, although a little fuzzy, that I got really happy when I heard him enter our room.  His keys make a specific sound when they rattle against his leg for every step he takes.

Now he’s in bed and I’m in the kitchen, drinking lemon water, coffee and popping pills… I am so much looking forward living a life without medicine