Disgusted

Hi.

I want to jump, and I wanted to.... and almost did. Through a window, fourth floor. I opened it and leaned out, a bit at the time until I was about to tip over. 

But I didn’t, S came, and E. They talked to me, and I started to cry. I was angry, because S interrupted me. But I guess I’m glad he did.

 I feel so bad for what I’m doing to everyone else. I hate myself, my life, my situation. I’m disgusted – I’m disgusting, I feel so much pain. I can’t breathe, its worst at night… anxiety kills me, strangles me. Mornings I just stare, blank. I’m lying in my bed until I can’t stand myself a second longer. Then I go up and drink coffee.

Everyone asks me how I am… I don’t know what to say. It’s like I want to unfriend every friend so it could be easier to leave this world. I have friends but I feel so alone, everything is black or white.

Need to go to the hospital today, book meetings, extend my sick leave and get new medicine prescriptions.

I’m afraid of what I might do when I’m home alone at my mom and dad’s house. Alone for 8 hours a day, shit, 6 days until I move there.