Hate

I’ve had a bad couple of days.

I have carried a secret for as long as I can remember. But now it’s out. I've told S and my psychologist Wivian. I don’t know, it seemed to be the right time to come clean. But I just couldn't hold it inside me any longer.

I’m not ready to write it here, but I need to ventilate somewhere on what happened, don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with this. There are so many questions, and it doesn't feel like I did the right thing to tell about this, yet. 

I hope I can learn to live with it. What happened, happened… it’s in the past. And I’m not holding a grudge on anyone except myself.

I kind of have moved on, I just need to learn to live with all those questions I have, why they did it.

Maybe one day I face those persons who did me wrong, the ones that scarred  me. I just want to forget and I have been keep on trying to forget it and just ignore it, try to think it never happened. But it did. What’s done is done.

Even if I know what those people did to me is wrong and not my fault, I still don’t judge them, I don’t ask for forgiveness, because I don’t think there’s something to forgive, I think...

It's like I’m not mad at them. Not at those persons. I’m angry with, and hate what they are or were. Their label; molesters of all kind. I hate them, I want to kill them, hurt them. 

Destroy everything they ever loved. Stab them, hurt them really bad.

For you it might seem like an easy decision to make them pay for what they did. But they know it was wrong, and they have to live with that to, just as I do. And they are better persons now. And neither I nor them can make it undone. Not even some court of law can make it undone.

 I still know some of those people who did hurt me, except for two of them. One that tried to rape me… and that's a story by it's own.

Who can be trusted if persons near me did hurt me too. I don’t want to stir up the bottom of the ocean. I want to have clear sight. I want to see my goal be able to reach it sooner than later but of course without any stress.  Everyone is a potential threat to me and my life.

I don’t want to have it this way.