Anorexia is winning

12/11 -2010
Woke up this morning, felt glad. It's my mom's birthday. Im' very tired and I couldn't really rise up and go sing for her, but I did it because I know she would be really sad if I didn't, she know about my disease, my whole family does and most of my friends and relatives and teachers. Eating disorders is my live, I'm a up and downer. Right now my bodyweight is considered to be pretty close to normal. Wich makes me feel terrible. I'm not normal, I'm mentally out of order and always has been (since 5th grade, 10 years old) Sometimes I feel good, but *Ana slaps me right over my face and yells "Wake the fuck up, what are you doing, starve yourself stupid, food is bad"
The past week I visited the psychiatric emergency, after having 5 panic attacs. And I am constantly in contact with my psychologists and anorexia centers. And they want me to go for treatment and antidepressants. But as I always do, when I'm very close to get the help "I need". I stop talking to them, stop answering the phone. Because then *Ana takes over, she wants to be sick. I'm at a diadventage against her. I haven't been eating for 102 hours, just drinking water and yerba mate tea. No pills at all, wich I used to take. I got my period back a few months ago, and right now (started yesterday) I have something who are supposed to be like period. And alot of backpain and crave for something sweet but it disgusts me, just thinking of food makes me feel sick.

Food: Nothing for 102 hours
Mood: Physicaly exhausted, mentaly motivaded by Ana

*Ana -
Pro-ana refers to the promotion of the eating disorder anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle choice. It is often referred to simply as "ana" and is sometimes affectionately personified by anorexics as a girl named Ana.
The lesser-used term pro-mia refers likewise to bulimia nervosa, and is sometimes used interchangeably with pro-ana.