"you're dying, your body is shutting down"

Hi, long time no see.
I've been busy keeping myself alive. I recently lost 12.5 kg, living on a hand full of nuts twice a day. And tons of water. But now doctors, psych and dietist are telling me if I don't gain weight the have to put me in to hosp.bed. treatment. My body is giving up, I have no feeling at all in my hands, feet and thighs. My stomach is a mess, and so is my poopingsystem, from not going to the toilet for no.2 for several weeks to going 3 times a day, after not eating much... it's just a juice coming out and it hurts. I'm sick all the time, and now I'm on my way to hospital again(!) one out of three times just this week only. I got rashes and viruses like everywhere in my body and on my body.
I'm a mess, but still I can't give up anorexia. What is my problem... keep on hearing Kate Moss's words... "Nothing taste as good (as ...)" and I rais my fist yelling "word up Kate" at the same time I'm dying. My body is shutting down. My kidneys and liver is starting to shut down also. And my panicattacs are getting worse. At least I'm honest towards my family about it.
Iv'e had som days of craving now and I feel like shit! I'll be starving myself to death, why(?) because I can, and someone in me/my brain wants it. This is me, who I am. I google a lot about fat and starving and such. The best is to never really cut out food completely cus you can only do that for 2 months maybe 3 if you lie down in the end, but if you eat at certain hours, same time every day, same ammount every day. You and your body will have a routin to follow and your digestion won't be fucked up. I hate myself for this, hate hate hate. If there's anyone like me out there, feel free to contact me. I need someone from the outside to talk to, and I need someone who understands, that this is my lifestyle, this is who I am. Who would I be if I were a regular sized girl, who would I be if I didn't have anorexia? I would probably be good at school/ work, better skin, better health... un-dying. My doctor said last time I spoke to him "you're dying, your body is shutting down". Can't belive it really, so I just ignore it cus I love the feeling of starvation and being thin, to see the bones sticking out under your skin. Isn't it ironic? Call me mad call me sick... cus that exacly what I am and always been.
Ana's, where you at?