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Back to what I am: A fuck up

We have not gone shooting yet, but I did get motion sickness earlier than expected … on a swing on a children’s playground. Me and S were out walking the dog. Passed a playground and had to try it, can’t remember last time I was doing this. And I really enjoyed it, until I got sick.

I really needed it because yesterday, she came back… Ana… fucked me real hard. Relapse is a fact having Borderline. I fucked it up, again.

I cried myself to sleep, got mad at our dog, angry with myself. Every muscle hurts today out of tensions, so much anxiety and anxiety still hurts in its own way.

Yesterday I wished I had benzo and a ball blanket. Thoughts of hurting myself, dying, starving, self-hate, self-disgrace. I feel terrible.

In situations like this, no one understands. And I’m cut off from reality. I’m quiet, introverted and withdrawn and inside of me… chaos.

I hate myself… I wish today never existed. Please fast forward. 

Combat motion sickness

Today or tomorrow we are going out shooting, big guns.
So much fun.

I worried getting car sick. Because when your no longer used to car motions you get fucking sick.
But I picked up a trick, to blink really fast so that you sight becomes like a strobe light also descibed as picture vision.
Check it out, click here

Scales

I had a hard time to focus last day, so anxious and stressed. We went climbing and it took me about 40 minutes to start, I just sat and felt ill. So many thoughts spinning around in my head, I stood up on a scale at my parents’s. And now I feel terrible. 

I know that every single time I do that it triggers my ED and anorexia. But what’s done is done, can’t change it.

In one way I think it might be good that I did weigh myself. It didn’t show much, and what number the scale shows doesn’t matter…high or low, it’s still the same effect on my brain.

I just have to stop myself from doing cardio, like running and such. Because, then I’m gone.

Well enough of that. I’m watching the finals in Roller derby, well played Crime City rollers (4ever in my heart) and congrats STRD, gold champs.

Low

Due to anxiety, I can't really focus on writing today.
But happy 4th!

Twitter

Hi

I’ve been thinking and after that I came up with an idea; I’ll start a twitter account too! So I did.

https://twitter.com/BONES_FOREVER

Shine

I found a way to get rid of the restlessness I suffer. Instead of run until my lungs bleed, me S, P and our dog go out in the middle of the night like from 1 to 4 in the morning. Just walking and talking. It feels okay, I get so tired but not exhausted.

I’ve been climbing. But the weather has been quite gray with some rain here and there and on and off for like a week or more. But today sun shines bright, and when sun shine - I shine... So I and S and another friend are going out bouldering. I Will bring coffee, I’m a bit tired I have to say. 

I’ve been climbing during the days and out in a zombie town all night(s). This is a huge college city, and now during summer all students have gone home so it’s like a ghost town. It's so nice and calm, like it should be.

And speaking of ghosts, have you seen the French TV-series Les Revenants? It’s really good. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

On saturday I'll go go to my parents, celebrating dad's and my bithday, a bit late. I really don't bother being celebrated. But they do, so if it makes them happy, so be it.

This picture of me is from this last past winter when I was hospitalized, I look the same but my mind is so much clrearer. Such a different!

Busy

Tomorrow I’ll write you a good one. 

What I should do

I ate potatoe chips.

Definitely a stupid choice, mentally destructive. 

So what do I do from here?

I divide it up I two categories – Want to do and should do.

I want to go out for a run 20 times around the block, I want to do push-ups, sit ups, more cardio and starve.

What I should do is the opposite… 

I should take my medicine, brush my teeth, go to bed and sleep this away, no workout what so ever. But then I get anxiety... I hate anxiety, I hate it so much. It’s so hard to not do what I want, because after all I am an eating disordered person with an anorexic-orthorexic brain. And I will be for a long time.

I’m really sad actually. 

Spirulina and Hemp powder

So, Spirulina and hemp!

I ingest Spirulina as a powder, mixed in hummus, pesto, smoothies, and salads. It tastes nothing, it is dark green and according to some it’s over hyped and others it’s awesome. 

I think it is probably something in between. Can’t be bad for your body, and there’s probably better miracle products, like hemp powder.

Both Spirulina and hemp are high in protein but only the hemp protein can be absorbed by our human body, Spirulina can too but in such a small dose.

But Spirulina is high in in other stuff that I think my body need. So for now Spirulina, bluberry green tea and pumpkinseeds.

I’m vegan and refuse to eat all that processed vegan food. It’s a shame I think, that vegans eat all that fake meat when there’s so much fresh greens and creativity just waiting to be used. 

Worst of all, soy fake meat, so processed. Yuck!

Today is cleaning day, of the entire house. Better get started so I have the evening at liberty.

Want to read more about Spirulina? click here

Fat vs muscles

When starving you starve fat, muscles and your brain. Eat what you need and listen to your body, what does it want? Great work out and right/ good food is better than starving, because you get binge/ cravings and tons of OCD symptoms when your brain is getting starved and that leads to even wors eating disorders. Check this out:

Think straight

See the small signs

I was about to go on a boat ride, a walk and go to a restaurant with Mom, dad and S today. But since yesterday when we decided this I’ve had anxiety and stress symptoms. And I’m afraid of going and push myself too hard and get anx-attacs. So this morning I and S had to cancel our participation.

Probably for the better, I need “a day of” to just catch my breath and rest.

Even though I’m on 100% indefinite sick leave (from working, looking for jobs and demands on me from the community/state/government/institutions, except psychiatry) I’m still getting exhausted and stressed out to a psychological collapse by almost nothing. It’s a disability I have, unfortunately.

I now have financial support for social welfare, a financial safety net. That's a relief.

Not quantity but quality

The day before yesterday’s- and yesterday’s climbing went good, I felt (am) stronger since last time.

I want to climb today too, but the weather is a bit unsteady. Anyway, I’m going to the climbing store with the people I live with and they’re buying climbing shoes. That’s so great! I want to climb with all of my friends. 

It’s such a great workout. Try it, not wall climbing, I mean bouldering.

It’s hard but holy fudge what a tight body you get from it.

My tooth is aching, like nothing else.

It’s the one furthest in on the left side.

I’m quite strict on my food, I think of it all the time. But in order to have the energy to climb I need to eat.

Not quantity, but quality. And I’m still… of course… always jonesing for coffee.  

I feel better

Hello 

Don’t bother the “Old post”-post. It’s just for me.

Summer has arrived, feels good. Yesterday sun was at its highest point so now we are moving towards darker times again. 

Last night was a national feast and booze day, but not for us beneath this roof. Good food and good movies and lots of talking. I actually was here last year too, with S and P. (remember I live with my friend P’s parents place).

I've told you that I started to climb again. I’m already super strong and my back and knee problems are history, in just 1 ½ months. And it is so much fun! I’ll be crazy fit I a couple of months.

I don’t have any anxiety while climbing, feel so good. It’s like benzo effect. And I can’t over exercise as I normally do with running or gym because you run out of energy in two hours and your arm muscles are like… not like cooked spaghettis more as they have no strength left what so ever. So you have to climb in intervals. With running you can just keep running for 2 hours without a pause and that’s a trigger for me, cardio, triggers eating disorders and anxiety.

I’ve gained contact with one of my exes again, Martin, It makes me happy. He’s a good guy.

Well, that’s it for now, I'll try my best to blog more often.

Now I’ll go climbing (bouldering)

Old post

 

(Old post) Thursday, October 25, 2012

[NOW HOLD YOUR HORSES LADY

Tomorrow is therapy day. And after that I think I'll go by train to my mom and dad. But, depending on how I feel after the session. 

I always get stressed up and nervous before those kinds of meetings. I used to write down what to say because I often get blank while sitting there, face to face. But lately, I just haven't.

S is also there, sitting with us at the meetings. To help from a different perspective, because what I  experience and feel is happening might not be what S sees and experience, maybe. So let’s say we added a pair of extra eyes and ears into my recovery group. And he’s a great support!

I have come clean with almost everyone I know in my so called "social network", which not is as big as it used to be. Some just faced away when I told them and denied me their support. Some even said anorexia is "just something you do to get attention". NOW HOLD YOUR HORSES LADY, When did I decide to become a mentally disordered person? I didn't that's the problem.

So...

That's why I’m open with my “issues” and teach people to talk about anorexia as it were a pity cold, not like it’s a social disease (but it is) more like it’s no trouble and people just twitch a shoulder. 

Because they know sooo much about those colds and even if they really try to stay away from the cold they might get it anyway, even if they don’t deserve it or want it… and it’s not their fault. We can’t help this. I know I can’t,  I didn’t want it to be like this. It bad, it’s really bad.

We come in all ages and sizes, sexes and  from different countries I say to you. Just looking at my visitors list I have readers in almost every country on our earth.

And that’s why I choose to write in english, to reach out to as many as possible. Because, if I can help one person to feel less lonely or get better or help a parent whose child are troubled with eating disorders, to  understand, not everything but more… that’s a victory.]

Another spring time

So what's happening?

Well, I've started my psychological assessment/evaluation/ investigation at/ with the MBT-team.

MBT A new form of therapy, specially developed for people with borderline (read more about MBT here)

I have my ups and I have my downs. Right now I (me and S) actually live with my friends family. My friend, he has post-traumatic stress. I live with him and his family, his mom is a doctor... really handy I have to say. And his dad cooks the best food, healthy and organic. Here's nuts, berries, salads, organic/ oil free oat-milk and a lot of espresso  It's healthy gourmet food every single day. But the last week I have been really down and my eating disorder has been very present and noticeable. 

For a week now every evening I've been forced to go downstairs to take my medicine and go to bed even if I'm not tired, all because of anxiety problems.

It appears in physical manifestations, that is really painful and scary.

I woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety and stress, I got up from my bed and went to the bathroom... sat down to pee and everything went black and it starting to flash in front of my eyes, lost sight and got really dizzy. I collapsed  on the floor and I crawled up over the toilet and vomited. 

I was all shaky after that, but I went to bed. I told S (boyfriend) about it when I snuck back into bed.

He got worried and put his arms around me until I fell asleep.

I wish for a better life, and I think I'm on the right path.

I'm sick of being sick. I've started to climb again, I'm gonna get strong!

I hope everything is okay with all of you readers out there.

shit not you again

I'm not writing that much when I feel better. I've had a great couple of weeks, but now anxiety strikes again. Fuck you anxiety, fuck you very much.
Hmmm, makes me sad and exhausted.
I eat, that's good though. But I also exercise... climbing (bouldering), makes anxiety feel less intense and even disappear more or less.

Need some positive motivation on being healthy minded and how to deal with anxiety?

Evening

Anxiety strikes hard.

Crawls over me, and attaches itself like a taut corset over my chest.
As swords that punctures my lungs and heart over and over again.

I can't breathe. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to fall asleep.
I don't want to wake up. My tongue is numb.

My head, my thoughts are too much and too many.
I can't distinguish a single one of them, it's one big mess.

I don't dare to fall asleep and I don't want to wake up and face this shit one more day.
But I must.

Disgusted

Hi.

I want to jump, and I wanted to.... and almost did. Through a window, fourth floor. I opened it and leaned out, a bit at the time until I was about to tip over. 

But I didn’t, S came, and E. They talked to me, and I started to cry. I was angry, because S interrupted me. But I guess I’m glad he did.

 I feel so bad for what I’m doing to everyone else. I hate myself, my life, my situation. I’m disgusted – I’m disgusting, I feel so much pain. I can’t breathe, its worst at night… anxiety kills me, strangles me. Mornings I just stare, blank. I’m lying in my bed until I can’t stand myself a second longer. Then I go up and drink coffee.

Everyone asks me how I am… I don’t know what to say. It’s like I want to unfriend every friend so it could be easier to leave this world. I have friends but I feel so alone, everything is black or white.

Need to go to the hospital today, book meetings, extend my sick leave and get new medicine prescriptions.

I’m afraid of what I might do when I’m home alone at my mom and dad’s house. Alone for 8 hours a day, shit, 6 days until I move there.

Sticky slimy anxiety

Hi, I’m sitting at a café. This café is a common place to hang out among my friends. A lot of punx, anarchists and social activists are gathering here to eat from the cafes all vegan menu, and talk about everything.

Apart from writing this post I’m reading a book, over and over again, ‘Gorillas in the mist’ by Dian Fossey, drinking dangerous amounts of coffee and watching my friends from distance.

I’m glad I’m out, doing something. Even if I’m just sitting here doing almost nothing, better than hiding or being stuck inside four walls.

I haven’t gone to any meeting for a couple of weeks, I know it’s bad but I simply can’t do it. I need space, a pause from hospitals and shrinks.

Crust punk flows out of the speakers. It’s nice with a place where radio hits are banned, dogs are allowed and animals don’t have to die for a menu. Here I can be who I am without being eyeballed...need more coffee - Addict.

For some days now, me and S have been building a wall, isolated it and have made a totally okay room to live in, in an otherwise Siberia-cold building. It was fun! FUN!

We will move there a.s.a.p. We just don’t want to leave E behind. We like living with her and we will again in the future.

Ahrw! Despair and misery please stop!! I just want to break free from this sticky glue of bullshit and anxiety I’m in.