Visit my twitter

https://twitter.com/BONES_FOREVER
Easier to tweet than blog

Back to what I am: A fuck up

We have not gone shooting yet, but I did get motion sickness earlier than expected … on a swing on a children’s playground. Me and S were out walking the dog. Passed a playground and had to try it, can’t remember last time I was doing this. And I really enjoyed it, until I got sick.

I really needed it because yesterday, she came back… Ana… fucked me real hard. Relapse is a fact having Borderline. I fucked it up, again.

I cried myself to sleep, got mad at our dog, angry with myself. Every muscle hurts today out of tensions, so much anxiety and anxiety still hurts in its own way.

Yesterday I wished I had benzo and a ball blanket. Thoughts of hurting myself, dying, starving, self-hate, self-disgrace. I feel terrible.

In situations like this, no one understands. And I’m cut off from reality. I’m quiet, introverted and withdrawn and inside of me… chaos.

I hate myself… I wish today never existed. Please fast forward. 

Combat motion sickness

Today or tomorrow we are going out shooting, big guns.
So much fun.

I worried getting car sick. Because when your no longer used to car motions you get fucking sick.
But I picked up a trick, to blink really fast so that you sight becomes like a strobe light also descibed as picture vision.
Check it out, click here

Scales

I had a hard time to focus last day, so anxious and stressed. We went climbing and it took me about 40 minutes to start, I just sat and felt ill. So many thoughts spinning around in my head, I stood up on a scale at my parents’s. And now I feel terrible. 

I know that every single time I do that it triggers my ED and anorexia. But what’s done is done, can’t change it.

In one way I think it might be good that I did weigh myself. It didn’t show much, and what number the scale shows doesn’t matter…high or low, it’s still the same effect on my brain.

I just have to stop myself from doing cardio, like running and such. Because, then I’m gone.

Well enough of that. I’m watching the finals in Roller derby, well played Crime City rollers (4ever in my heart) and congrats STRD, gold champs.

Low

Due to anxiety, I can't really focus on writing today.
But happy 4th!

Twitter

Hi

I’ve been thinking and after that I came up with an idea; I’ll start a twitter account too! So I did.

https://twitter.com/BONES_FOREVER

Shine

I found a way to get rid of the restlessness I suffer. Instead of run until my lungs bleed, me S, P and our dog go out in the middle of the night like from 1 to 4 in the morning. Just walking and talking. It feels okay, I get so tired but not exhausted.

I’ve been climbing. But the weather has been quite gray with some rain here and there and on and off for like a week or more. But today sun shines bright, and when sun shine - I shine... So I and S and another friend are going out bouldering. I Will bring coffee, I’m a bit tired I have to say. 

I’ve been climbing during the days and out in a zombie town all night(s). This is a huge college city, and now during summer all students have gone home so it’s like a ghost town. It's so nice and calm, like it should be.

And speaking of ghosts, have you seen the French TV-series Les Revenants? It’s really good. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2521668/

On saturday I'll go go to my parents, celebrating dad's and my bithday, a bit late. I really don't bother being celebrated. But they do, so if it makes them happy, so be it.

This picture of me is from this last past winter when I was hospitalized, I look the same but my mind is so much clrearer. Such a different!